So. It's December.

Only three n' a half weeks until I leave. Which is awesome. Since I am getting sick of this crap that I have to deal with at home. In fact I wrote about it last night on my other journal...

"In the words of Spider Jerusalem

I HATE IT HERE!

I am sick of the festering passive aggressive bullshit. I am just done. I hate being manipulated by it, and guilt tripped by it! I am sick of it. FUCK!

Here’s the story:

I was making food for my sister and I; steak and shrimp. It was obviously missing something... So I thought "Hey! How about some rice?!" There was still rice in the rice cooker when I wandered to it. I didn't know how long my stepmother left it there... so I threw it out, since I was going to make new rice. Mind you this was 10 a clock at night so she probably made it when she got home and left it there... with the lid on it. But then I remembered that we had potatoes that we needed to use. So we had potatoes with our steaks. Not the best steaks that I’ve made but they were pretty decent.

Next fucking day... I'm trying to leave to go to work and my step mother wants to talk to me... I told her that I was in a hurry and I had to go. So I left for work. After work I call my sister and ask her if she has talked to my step mom at all… like about what she wanted to speak to me about. What my sister told me I would remember for a long time.
She said that my step mom came up to her and asked her if she threw out the rice. My sister of course said no but it didn't really do anything because my step mother started CRYING! Yep. FUCKING CRYING! I couldn't believe what I had heard. This was the STUPIDEST thing for someone to cry over. I mean if it was a fucking three course meal that she slaved hours over and someone threw it out I could see someone crying over that. But it was just OLD RICE.

Now don't get me wrong. I know that she doesn't like to waste food and I don't either... but if she fucking stored it properly in the first place it wouldn't be FUCKING WASTED! So I get home grab some of my sister's dinner that she made for us and... low and behold the fucking confrontation.

So I am about to leave the kitchen when she wants to talk to me. I knew this was coming. I knew that sooner or later I had to fucking do this. She asked me about the rice and I told her the truth. I said that I didn't know how long the rice sat there and I was going to make new rice then decided to have potatoes instead. She got all upset with me. I told her over and over that I didn't know how long the rice sat there and I was trying to be food safe and she told me all this bullshit about taking that rice that she made the night before to work with her... THAT RICE WOULD SIT OVER NIGHT AND PLUS THE AMOUNT OF HOURS UNTIL SHE TOOK IT TO WORK WITH HER. Now there was a possibility of not getting a food borne illness. But it sat there covered and cooled off slowly. I had no idea.

She said that she made the rice last night and she didn't know why I threw it away. I TRIED to explain it to her in simple words and in a nice tone as possible why I did it. OH MAN! I was shaking so much from the anger of it all. I was really trying to keep it together. She also fished an onion out of the trash. Mind you I was tried and hungry and I guess too lazy to put that onion in the fridge... yes I know, hate me… I lied about the onion because at that point I just didn’t want to fucking deal. but it was the fact that she fished it out of the trash and actually USED IT FOR DINNER THAT NIGHT!

My dad recently just got over the "Flu" which I knew was food poisoning but this incident just confirmed it. She doesn't practice basic food safety. I really do understand where she is coming from on the wasting food thing but... eating healthy to me is more important. Which brings me to another thing. She will leave things to ROT in the fridge. I will come down hoping for a nice apple sometimes. Instead I get green and grey fur attaching itself to the rest of the "once delicious" produce. You think that's nasty? I've got tons of those stories. Like defrosting chicken or fish in the sink and the cats jumping up and licking it and pawing at it. She also lets tomatoes ROT on the counters. yeah. nasty.

Anyway. So next time what she wants me to do is put the nasty rice that I find into the fridge for them to eat later if I so choose to use the rice cooker or clean it. Fine. Whatever. Apparently this was a personal blow to her and she was super offended. Now she is playing the passive aggressive game with me. Well I can tell you I am sick of playing it with my dad and I am sick of playing it with my dad's mom so I am pretty much at the end of my rope here. No more bullshit.

You know what she did that's kind of funny. She talked loudly about us in chinese to her friend on the internet about us. Which is hilarious since we can't understand what she is saying. So... I am not taking it personally. Neither is my sister.

It was just irritating talking to a brick wall. I mean I kept telling her my reasons and the facts and why I threw the FUCKING RICE AWAY! But she would not hear it. I have a food handler’s card so… I know what I am fucking talking about since I practice safe food handling (Apparently she does too. Which is a frightening thought when you think about it) So after this little incident I am NEVER eating another thing she makes. EVER.

FUCK. "

Yeah. I am sick of this crap. I am soooo glad I am leaving.

So I think I am being moved back to my other store on Monday. Which makes me happy and means that I will be able to say goodbye to all the customers that are there and want to see me before I am done working there. I have to say that this past few weeks at the other store really made me think about what I had and took for granted. Like having plumbing... because that is awesome. The bad thing is that I am going to have to deal with the bug-eyed girl when I come back. Meh. Whatever. It will be my last two weeks. If it all goes as planned...

There are other things but I have to go to work.

Jaa Mata!

It is that holiday that we have to be thankful for.

Happy turkey day everybody.

I actually don't like this holiday because of it's history and the ignorance behind it but I do enjoy the principle of getting together with your families and feasting and being happy (At least with my family). I guess this holiday has some good morel values to it. But I guess it is a good thing to think about what we are thankful for and to remember our roots and not being selfish. Well... that is what I think about this holiday. On the plus side I get to have a four day weekend.

In other news... I've been working at the other store for the past two days. Because the bitch decided to quit and inconvenience everybody and I am apparently the only one that my boss can depend on to work there and I am the only afternoon person. But I am worried that I will have to work there for the rest of November until I my last day in December. Why? Because I fucking HATE it there! There is no plumbing and the customers are... snippy... and rude. I do like getting off early but I just don't like it there. I really don't want to be the fill in person there. But my boss seems to be looking for someone to fill in over there. He really shouldn't have any trouble because it is the holiday season and people are sure to be looking for work. I just know it.

And off the subject of work. I has a new compy. And not just any compy... the Mac book Pro that I need for school! YAY! It isn't fully spec.'ed (I am not sure what the proper abbreviation is for that) to what they want for animation... but... if I add more ram it should run okay with whatever program they give me. It has been kind of interesting to figure out how to run a Mac. But I am glad that I have a little time to play with it before I go to school. Plus my uncle has a Mac so he should be able to help me with any problems I might have or whatever.

Well... I think I am going to do something that relates to this holiday in some way.

Have a happy Turkey Day!

Okay... so I ordered me some Lupin the Third dvds like a fucking month ago. God damn it. So I sent them a message to tell them to make my order a top priority and to go ahead and charge me for the fucking next day shipping just so it can fucking get here. Mother fucker. I kinda hope that they WON'T charge me extra... but whatever. At this point I don't fucking care.

Anyway... nothing really new is going on except for getting my life in order so that I can go down to California in a few months. The time is encroaching on me fast. I just got word that my college has received my tuition deposit. Which was such a fucking relief because I was worried that it got lost in the mail or some jerk off found it and was trying to figure out how to cash it. I am glad that it arrived safely.

I got my permit renewed so I can get my license in December. And that is becoming a chore because my dad needs to get his fucking new car insured. Which is taking him forever. I know he just got it but seriously... that should have been top priority. But this car is now my dad's baby... he loves it. So the chances of him getting it insured right away are slim. Luckily I am not depending on him so much. I have an aunt who can also teach me. This driving thing is becoming a pain in the ass.

I am tired.

I think I will draw for a while.

Goodnight.

Okay... So I know I promised to put pictures up here a LONNNNGGGG time ago but I've been busy with me working and trying to get into school and all... so here is the first of some things I drew hopefully it won't be the last.




Here is Dr. Orpheus from the Venture Brothers. I really love that show. If you haven't seen it. Do. Because it's fucking hilarious!

Dr. Orpheus is one of my favorite characters I am also drawing another character from the show. Hopefully I'll put it up here.













Okay. These guys are from the Jak and Daxter Video game series. It is one of my favorite game series and I love replaying them. I drew this a while ago and I've been meaning to put it up. I know that Daxter sucks. That is not what he really looks like. I drew him kind of quickly. I have to admit that I really wanted to finish the picture so he was kind of half-assed.









And this one... is me.

Yep.

Invader M.

That is as close to a self portrait as I am going to get.



Well that is all for the update. Hopefully I'll post more. But I might get really busy soon so... we shall see.

Wow...

I was in a weird funky mood last night.

so an update on sort of recent events...

Well... I got accepted in to Laguna College of Art and Design last month. I would have written about that sooner but I didn't want my friends to find out until I announced it at my birthday party. Which was really fun. It's weird not being a teenager anymore... I don't feel any different but at the same time I am not who I was.

Well anyway.

After my birthday my friends and I went up to 07 Penny Arcade Expo which was really really fun. We all had a great time. Except for being threatened to be thrown out by the hotel staff if we were really loud because we were under 21 and for certain people who got on everybody's nerves on the trip. But other than that I think we've gained the experience of a trip that I would with out question do again. and next year... I'll be 21 so it will be better. Because I will be an "adult" by many people's standards and won't be given shit about that again. But we all had fun. Which was good. We got to play all sorts of game demos and meet people and see Freezepop and the Mini Bosses on stage. Both were awesome concerts. I still need to get those photos developed. As soon as I do... they might grace this blog...? we shall see. We shall see...

Now I am moving back into my dad's house because I need to start saving money for school. It's kind of lame... because I liked living sort of on my own... Now I am sharing a room with my sister for five months. This is going to be interesting...

Anyway... I am going to be getting the rest of my crap out of that house and give them my key and hug people and say goodbye but it's not going to be "Goodbye" until January which then it will be very sad and I will cry.

It's funny... I never thought that I would be living in THIS house again... with my father... and my stepmother... my sister... and my stepbrother... It's just weird. But it is only for five months so hopefully it will be okay. Meaning not too much family drama. Well see how it goes.

It's been a while since I've written.

I am tired.

But I am playing Guitar Hero.

I don't know why. It is just some weird thing I guess.

I am feeling lonely.

But I am not alone... I am not alone because I am surrounded by friends and family... I feel alone as in the intimate sense. I miss having some one hold me. I miss having someone to cling to. To love and to make love to. I really miss that.

I am sure that there are other fish in the sea... and I am going to be living next to an ocean in January. So I am sure I will meet someone down there.

TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY! At 4 something tomorrow morning I will have been born.

and I will be cooking pretty much all day... I mean not ALL day but for the first half of the day. Everybody will be coming around 3:30ish so I have to get the snack stuff ready. Then I have to cook the food. Which is okay... I mean I want to do it.

Well anyway.

I have my first credit card which is probably going to cost me a fortune. But at least I have it for emergancies. Except when I used it for the party food... but at least I didn't spend too much. I still have a couple more things to get tonight...

at least I got paid today.

Oh! Which reminds me... I should probably go to work...

My last day of work for the week.

Awesome.

This week has been fantastic and it is only going to get better! Will update more on that later.

It is now August...

13 days until my birthday!

I am super excited because I am having an Indiana Jones themed party where we are going to dress up and watch the Indiana Jones trilogy.

My friends are really into it which also makes me happy. So this party will be really fun.

Wow...

just thinking that I am going to be turning the big 2 0 is weird. I am not going to be a teenager anymore but I am one year away from being not a minor. I mean I am not a minor but I still can't buy booze so... that would make me a minor still.

What is also weird... almost all of my co-workers are my age... I mean one of them already turned 20 and the other co-worker is going to be 20 next Saturday... then I will be 20 the next week... it's just weird.

Anyway... yeah...

The comic is moving slowly along...

I've feared that might happen but at least I am doing it. I've written chapter three which is... okay... I mean it could be better but it is a rough draft. But I think that I should be drawing chapter's one and two... I did get the first page of the first chapter mostly done... there are a few things left that I have to ink. But otherwise it is coming along.

I just finished my God Of War bubble tea ad poster. Which is now on my wall.
It's awesome.
I am proud of it's genius.
Because I'm amazing.
Although towards the end of the coloring process I started getting really bored of coloring but I forced my self to the very end and the result is now on my wall. A shitty ink job and a shitty coloring job... all in a days work for the artist.

I think that is all to report aside from the fact that my birthday is coming up and so is PAX... which is also exciting. Anyway... I should go hang with my friends now.

-end transmission-

God damn it.

I found out that my community college had a hold on it this whole time! and that they couldn't send my transcript because I had to confirm where I lived. *sigh* god damn it. Plus they didn't get my transcript request. It's lost somewhere and I hope to the gods that it is in there pile of papers or got shredded since it did have my social number on it. Oh man. So now I have to fax my transcript. Which I will try to do today or tomorrow.

I just can't believe that I have been waiting this whole time thinking that they didn't accept me. I feel like a dumb ass.

I am proud of my self for being responsible. I know that is a weird thing to be proud of but being a quiet and shy person it feels good doing something... well... responsible. So I am happy.

Also I am getting more hours at work next couple of weeks so I will be making more money which will be good. Especially good for PAX. Because I am going to need some major monies for that.

Speaking of work... I think it's time to head for the mines of salt.

-M out.

GAMERS!!!

Attention all people who play video games!

Please look at this video:



Our time is now!

COMING SOON: ANOTHER Fan Comic!

Okay...

so I've decided to have my fan web comic here on blogger. Because... I want to! It's genius. It will cover some what of an audience but it won't be a massive.

I shall try to update once a week though it shall be a challenge. And I am planning on having each panel photo-shooped and all that jazz. As soon as I get some more art materials then I shall begin construction on the comic. I already finished roughing chapter one.

Anyway... I won't say anymore. I 'll leave the suspense hanging until I post something.

-Invader M out.

A lot has happened in these past few weeks.

I got my mother's computer for 300 dollars! and I had to buy a new video card for it. Which pissed me off that they gave her a shitty video card to begin with. DON'T GO WITH BEST BUY! EVER! But the new video card works great. In fact better then great... it's fucking awesome! No more blacking out for a few seconds on the monitor. I haven't tested the DVD player yet but I have a feeling that it's fine. Also now it is on a wireless connection so I am hooked into the Internet. Which is also awesome and it would be more awesome if the connection was faster. But I gotta work with what I got.

So I found out that my college doesn't do personal statements as apart of the admissions process anymore. So I don't have to do it... They just want my transcripts and portfolio. Which I sent... and they received it. I don't think they got PCC's transcript for some reason... which is weird because I thought I requested that thing to be sent there at beginning of this month. I should call them to find out the status of that... Also I requested from my high school. I sent the thing for them soon so I am going to call them on Monday to find out if they sent it yet or not. I told them to send it ASAP. I hope they got the message.

I am officially out of debt.

The dept of revenue (which was who I was paying off for a while- Long story) gave me six dollars back from the fifty I sent them at the end of last month. Which means they got my tax return and they got my check so that equals = no more debt for M! YAY!

I can't believe that setting goals actually works. I set a goal for my self and I got it accomplished. It's amazing!

Which also means that I can save for PAX . Which is going good being on schedule and all.

I also need to buy my mother's computer from her. She is giving it to me for 400 dollars! That is not even half of what she paid for it. I figured I can buy it in two paychecks. Plus I should be getting a return in my bank account. Which I am not too sure why it hasn't shown up yet. But it is the government and they do take a while processing things. So I am sure it will turn up soon.

Work has been getting harder in that... I'm finding hard not to yell at people. I haven't yet but one of these days I will. and that won't be good.

But anyway. I think I need to work on my personal statement seeing as I will need to send that in soon.

...

After System Shock 2...

Oh man I can't wait to get out of here.

I had a horrible dream last night.

I was somewhere it looked like a store or a resturant. I think I was serving people and I saw these men in black suits coming up to the counter. They said that I was under arrest for "Heresy" because I signed my name different on several documents. I was freaking out. I asked them what will happen to me and someone said 20 days in prison at the most. I knew he was lying. I went with them to this Asian town... I was to be detained there. There were things that occurred in the dream that I don't remember but that was it.

It was just weird.

Anyway... Mr. Asshole has finally left the building. Now people are going to be talking about him for months. Which is going to be annoying as hell. I am actually getting sick of serving people. I can feel my patience wearing thin. I mean my job is pretty easy and I can find some joy out of it... but... I mean it just gets tedious at times. Acting SO nice for every customer. I am losing it. I can feel my self getting mean when they ask me something stupid. and when a drink isn't made to their specifications and I have to fix it I can feel myself tremble with anger. Which isn't a good thing because one of these days I'm going to loose it.

One of my friends was talking about renting a house with four other people, including my self. I thought that might be a good idea but really thinking about it. I don't make enough money to do that right now because we can't get a fourth person at the moment. So I would be paying almost a full paycheck per month. Which I don't want to do right now. Because I don't want to get a second job. Where I am living now I am getting a sweet deal. I can spend the rest of my check on things that I wanted while still paying rent and occasionally buying food for my self. So I don't want to move yet. Well I do but I want to get out of here also I want to save money for PAX.

Which by the way is official. My sister and I are FOR SURE going now. Which is good because I was worried that it would fall through. Now that it's positive then a lot of weight has been lifted off of me.
It's just amazing... I've accomplished my goals and I am going to PAX as a reward.

Anyway... I should go to work.

Back to the slat mines I go.

*sigh* I can't wait for the week to be over.

Okay.

So nothing much to report on the new girl except that Mr. Annoying Asshole (as I've decided to call him now) thinks that she is a Pathological liar. He actually said "Professional Liar" but I think that she a Pathological liar which in essence is the same thing. The only reason he says that is because when she was being trained at the downtown store there were a couple stories that seemed off to the people who were working with her there...
So I am glad that I am not the only one who thinks there is something up with this chick.

In other news... I am still sick.

But I feel better than yesterday. Which is good. I had to REALLY drug my self because I was super congested and I wouldn't have been able to make it through the day if I didn't. I think I'll do that again today so that I can at least make it until closing. Plus I actually didn't mind Mr. Annoying Asshole's company yesterday, probably because of all the drugs I was on yesterday. But he has his moments where he is tolerable.

I just can't get over that I will soon be out of debt. That is just so awesome!
I am glad that I am accomplishing my goals. Because it has taken quite a lot of effort. And all that hard work is finally paying off. Which makes me feel good. YAY FOR ME! Setting goals works! Seriously. I have always had a hard time setting a goal for my self. I am just geeking out about how good this feels.

Okay, I should go to work now.

So.
I am forced to work even though I am sick and I should be in bed... but that isn't happening. Because there aren't enough people to cover my shift and I'd hate to do that to my crew. Plus it's only one more day until Friday. And Friday is PAYDAY! YAY! God damn I hate being sick. >_<. It really sucks.

I am excited because I just sent the check to pay off one of my outstanding debts. Which means I won't have to worry about that anymore. It is going to take a chunk out of my check but as long as it is paid off I don't really think I am going to care very much. Next debt is on it's way to being paid off and then I'll be debt FREE! YAY!

I am also excited for PAX. My friends and I had a meeting about it and we figured that it would be $200 bucks per person. Except I have to pay double that because of my little sister who is also coming. So that is $400 bucks for me. (Ouch >_<) But I promised that I'd take her so...
I am just happy that it is all coming together. Like I feel so awesome organizing this. It makes me happy.

So back to work for a second...

There is this new girl that my boss hired and...

I get the feeling that something is not right about her... and I don't know what it is... and it's not just me that's getting that feeling either! One of my co-workers yesterday said something to the same effect. So it's not just me. I mean she's nice but there is something really strange about her... My other co-worker has been flirting with her... they look like they are a perfect couple. Only because he annoys me to no end and I can't wait until he leaves on June 18th! I should be nicer to him... I mean he likes some of the things that I like... It's just when he constantly tells me what to do it bugs the crap out of me! I mean it was fine the first two weeks that I was working there but to constantly do it, AGH!!!! I just can't wait until he goes home for the summer.
Wow! that was quite a tangent.

Anyway, new girl...

I think there is some ulterior motive. Something that she's hiding.

When Mr. Annoying (that's what I've decided to call him) asked her why she decided to work for City Coffee. She was very indirect about her answer. And that made me more suspicious. What is she hiding? Why is she working for City Coffee? I may never know. But at the same time I need to know. She may never gain my trust but I can gain hers. and when I find out what that secret is she won't know what hit her. MWA HA HA HA HA HA!

Well... I'll update when I find out more.

-Invader M Out.-

Sparkly...

I had such a good day today...

Well more like an ego boosting day...

It all started when I drew something at work. I kept getting complements on it. A lot of people really liked my work and to me it was just a simple drawing... something that I draw when I am bored... But to them it was something awesome. Eventually I think my co-workers got sick of being asked who's work it was and so they put it out of sight. Which was kind of funny...

I found amusing anyway.

Then on the bus ride home I was sketching and a bunch of kids got on the bus and one of them sat down next to me. Soon... I heard a voice say over the music streaming from my headphones. "Wow, your really good". As I said "Why, Thank you!" I turned my head to see that I was flocked by them. I gave a surprise laugh and said "Woah!"
They were super cute. They were asking me questions about drawing and I showed them the other pictures in my sketch book. They were awed. Eventually I asked if they wanted me to draw them a picture. They were so excited when I asked them. I ended up drawing Venom, Bomber Man, SpongeBob, and Superman.

I am now their idol.

In fact some of those are going to be framed behind glass. So they said. I just hope they hold on to them... if I become famous of course.

I don't think my ego has been this big in a LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG time. I feel shiny and happy. I feel like all those years of drawing and practicing are finally paying off. It is such a nice feeling to be appreciated and adored. I just need to put that skill into what I really want to do. And I already know that I am on my way to being somebody great.

No Artificial Flavors!

Finally the last chain link of my past has been broken. I am no longer it's slave.

I am actually happy and not artificially.

Now I must sleep.

Tomorrow is a big day.

And one step closer to going to school.

And one step closer to fulfilling my dream to being who I want to be.

Lesson Learned.

An important lesson was learned.

And that lesson was an eye opener, I guess you could say.

I felt like I've been stuck in a horrible rerun of some sort. It seemed that I was making the same mistakes and I wasn't doing anything to change them. But where did I go? I went deeper inside my little shell of me and buried myself under the problems I was having. Never ending visions of all the mistakes and bad things I'd done kept repeating in my mind and suffocated me.

Then after getting...

inebriated...

^__^;

I EXPLODED on a different online journal.

It wasn't pretty.

In short it basically stated that I felt like shit and I wasn't going where I wanted to and I felt trapped because of it. The explosion didn't help... it actually made everything worse... >_<>
What I need was an intervention.

And I got it... Sorta...

A certain someone stepped forward and that person told me what they saw in me. They saw me hurting and they wanted to help but I would push them away by being reclusive and hiding deeper inside my self. I spoke of how much I was hurt in the past and how much pain that life had caused me (tears flowing down my face). As they replied the words suddenly slapped me in the face. I realized that I was so foolish.

I was foolish for holding on to my past for so long. That was the over looming horrible monster that I kept chained to my self. There were so many things that I never actually forgave my self for. I felt like no one would ever understand what I went through. What I felt. And all the pain and suffering that I had when I was growing up. But instead of talking about it, I just let it eat away inside me.

And if this someone hadn't talked some sense into me... well, I would probably still be wallowing in my disillusions of self worthlessness. I realized that I needed to let all that shit go. because it didn't matter anymore. Yes, I fucked up... billions of times... but that is apart of this thing called life that we all have to go through. Every one fucks up some how and there is no reason to beat yourself up about it constantly like I did.

I realized that even though I was broken I could be glued back together. There were things that hurt me and crushed me but that doesn't matter now. Because it was in the past. So I didn't do it a certain way... well whatever, I made a mistake. I am only human.

I also realized that even though I am not going anywhere now I know that I WILL be able to go and it is because of this great desire to get the fuck out of this city that I will be able to. Even though it may take longer than I want to.

It's this unhealthy habit of caring so much about what other people think of you. It's this whole image thing that I hate about this society. Where people have to look a certain way, act a certain way, piss and shit in a certain way, It's sickening.

So, I am going to try my best to build a thicker skin and brush off the people who don't matter. I shouldn't care about what people think of me. Because I am me. and no one else can tell me who to be, or what I should look like, or what I need to do with my life. Fuck them! Fuck them all! From now on I will not be so critical of my self and I will let all my mistakes go. I know who I am now. Well, mostly... I am still trying to find my personal watermark as a human. And when I find my nitch in this horrible, condescending world of ours I will give the finger to those who told me what they wanted me to be and who they wanted me to become.

I want to be me.

And that is all I want to be.

I am Invader M.

Put on this earth to show all you that I am ruler of the universe.

...

You are just living here.

HA HA HA HA!

Shattered Peices

Lately... I've been feeling down.

Maybe because the only man I really loved is gone from me. He left to have his own adventure. I knew that this was going to happen. But I don't think I realised how much it was going to impact me. I knew that I was going to be sad, and depressed but not to the level it is now.

I never thought I would be crying my self to sleep every night. Thinking about how much I care for him. I love everything about him. His smell, his touch, his kisses, his handsome face, his body, etc. My heart aches every day and the tears build up until night where I am alone in bed. Hugging myself as tears pour down my cheeks.

Sad. Yes. I know.

What I don't understand is his lack of faith in me to keep the relationship alive. I would have done anything for him. Anything. Seriously. If he asked me to go to moon with him... I would have done it. I would have waited until hell froze over if that is what he wanted me to do. My extreme patience and undying loyalty to those I love is what makes me... well me. Except it seems that his not what he wants. To be honest... I am not sure what he wants. He is very quiet about his personal feelings, which makes me sad because I feel that he wasn't honest with me about certain things.

It seems to me that he is afraid to get too attached to someone. But like I said... I can't speak for him. I just wish I understood what he was thinking and how he really felt about me. Because sometimes... I felt like I was just there when it was convenient. Which I know wasn't the intention. But sometimes when he told me that he loved me... it didn't feel like he meant it. Which could be my mistake. But... it made me worry.

What also hurts is that he seems to think that I would find someone to replace him. But... I will never find another man like him. He was one of a kind. He was addicting in a good way. I loved spending time with him. Just being in the same room with him felt good. Even when he wasn't here I looked forward to seeing him. That is what helped me through the day. It would be like a reward or something. We didn't talk much but that isn't what mattered. What mattered to me was that we were together and that was the important thing.

But it wasn't important enough it seems.

Everything comes full circle. So I guess it's like it was when I was alone all those years ago. When I would get a crush on someone and then they would go out with someone else. I thought I knew heart break then. I was always the quiet one. The wallflower. No one would ask me out. I was just alone. I guess I fall in love with the wrong people. Or the right ones... depends on how you look at it. It is just harder for a girl to make a move. Call me old fashioned or hopeless romantic.

I have been dreaming about him. I also saw him standing (or sitting in another occasion) and heard his voice in my head. I saw his smile. and tears came to my eyes. As they are doing now.
My friends can only offer me support in that they will do all they can for me. And all I can do is smile.

I still love you. As deeply as when you left me. Possibly more. Did you know that you were my motivation. You were my light in the darkness. You made me happy. You supported me. You were there for me. As I was for you. I would have given you my soul if you asked me. Because I love you. No one can replace you. I love you. I can't express it enough. I love and miss you. and I wish I could come with you on at least part of your adventure. But it seems that is not to be. As much as it hurts me to say this. It was good while it lasted. Just understand that this is going to take more than a few months to get over. Since the wounds run deep.

I love you with all my heart.

Happy New Year!

The new year has arrived at last. Happy 2007!

And as the clock ticks closer to the time when my job goes out of business. The feeling of light hearted happiness gets stronger.

I can't begin to express how exactly this feels.

It is like walking on air. Or swimming in a euphoric sea. I can't decide which. But what I do know is that my days of customer service are coming to an end. That knowledge is what brings a smile to my face and giggle insanely with glee.

I feel like I am on my way to doing what I should be doing. I want to go on adventures. I want to see the world! I have been having this wanderlust wriggle inside me for too long. It is time to break the bonds of my captivity, bust down these "prison" city walls and fall into another culture and experience life. It is time to go. It is time to find out who I really am.

I have a ways to go to get there. but if it wasn't for a certain someone... I don't think that I would have made my decision to go. Thank you my love. Thank you.