And that lesson was an eye opener, I guess you could say.
I felt like I've been stuck in a horrible rerun of some sort. It seemed that I was making the same mistakes and I wasn't doing anything to change them. But where did I go? I went deeper inside my little shell of me and buried myself under the problems I was having. Never ending visions of all the mistakes and bad things I'd done kept repeating in my mind and suffocated me.
Then after getting...
inebriated...
^__^;I EXPLODED on a different online journal.
It wasn't pretty.
In short it basically stated that I felt like shit and I wasn't going where I wanted to and I felt trapped because of it. The explosion didn't help... it actually made everything worse... >_<>
What I need was an intervention.
And I got it... Sorta...
A certain someone stepped forward and that person told me what they saw in me. They saw me hurting and they wanted to help but I would push them away by being reclusive and hiding deeper inside my self. I spoke of how much I was hurt in the past and how much pain that life had caused me (tears flowing down my face). As they replied the words suddenly slapped me in the face. I realized that I was so foolish.
I was foolish for holding on to my past for so long. That was the over looming horrible monster that I kept chained to my self. There were so many things that I never actually forgave my self for. I felt like no one would ever understand what I went through. What I felt. And all the pain and suffering that I had when I was growing up. But instead of talking about it, I just let it eat away inside me.
And if this someone hadn't talked some sense into me... well, I would probably still be wallowing in my disillusions of self worthlessness. I realized that I needed to let all that shit go. because it didn't matter anymore. Yes, I fucked up... billions of times... but that is apart of this thing called life that we all have to go through. Every one fucks up some how and there is no reason to beat yourself up about it constantly like I did.
I realized that even though I was broken I could be glued back together. There were things that hurt me and crushed me but that doesn't matter now. Because it was in the past. So I didn't do it a certain way... well whatever, I made a mistake. I am only human.
I also realized that even though I am not going anywhere now I know that I WILL be able to go and it is because of this great desire to get the fuck out of this city that I will be able to. Even though it may take longer than I want to.
It's this unhealthy habit of caring so much about what other people think of you. It's this whole image thing that I hate about this society. Where people have to look a certain way, act a certain way, piss and shit in a certain way, It's sickening.
So, I am going to try my best to build a thicker skin and brush off the people who don't matter. I shouldn't care about what people think of me. Because I am me. and no one else can tell me who to be, or what I should look like, or what I need to do with my life. Fuck them! Fuck them all! From now on I will not be so critical of my self and I will let all my mistakes go. I know who I am now. Well, mostly... I am still trying to find my personal watermark as a human. And when I find my nitch in this horrible, condescending world of ours I will give the finger to those who told me what they wanted me to be and who they wanted me to become.
I want to be me.
And that is all I want to be.
I am Invader M.
Put on this earth to show all you that I am ruler of the universe.
...
You are just living here.
HA HA HA HA!
