So things have just gotten weirder...

It all starts yesterday... when my sister and I were walking to her house from 33rd and Hawthorne and this little black kitty came up to us. So we petted it and turned to leave. It bounded in front of us and proceeded to follow us to my father's house. Which is on 13th. So this little cat followed us from SE 33rd and Main to 13th and Taylor. When we got to my dad's house we were trying to figure out what to do. It was obviously lost and confused. The cat was surprisingly clean and well fed so... we thought that he came from a nice home. But he doesn't have a collar and we are not sure if he is microchiped or not. He looks to be about one year old and he is the sweetest kitty that I have ever met.

So we've been putting up ad's on the internet and we will be making flyers this weekend and putting those up around where we found him. But so far it has been no luck. And we found out that his name is Toby because he looks at whomever calls him and meows. We don't get any vocal response with any other name. His name COULD be similar to Toby but he looks like a Toby. So that is what I've been calling him. He slept with me on my bed the whole night up until the time I had to go to work. I love this kitty. But I would feel bad for just keeping him... but we are doing all we can so that he can go back to his family.

Because the right thing to do sometimes hurts because it is hard to give back something that you care about. I think that the right thing to do sucks but I am sure that this kitty came from a really nice family and it would be a good thing to give him back to his home.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls... it tolls for thee

Wow it's been a while...

But I just got my internet set up yesterday. Which is good because I have been sick and tired of not having it. It is just too difficult in this day and age to not have access to the internet.

Living with out it was a pain in the ass. It's nice to be connected to the world again.

Anyway...

Not much to say except I have been working... A fucking lot. I am tired but I need the hours to make the money I need to keep me living here in my apartment. With internet... because this bill is going to be super expensive since I had to buy the modem for my internet. I thought that would be easier than buying it. So yeah. I am going to have to figure out how I am going to do school along with work. But I am sure that it will work out.

So on a sadder note

My grandfather is dying.

I saw him yesterday...

Lets just say that I do not like watching people die.

I saw him fading.

I touched his skin and it was so cold.

I knew that he was close but for some reason he is holding on to this world.

We only WISH we knew what or who he was waiting for.

But we don't know. So...

I am not close to this relative because he was a difficult person to be around. He was mean. He said some insulting things. And he had this air of hate that made you want to have your bones broken than to be around him. So I won't be sad when he is gone.

But...

I can't watch people fade.

Because it is such a hard thing to watch.

The first time I dealt with a relative dying was my grandfather on my father's side. I walked into the room and I remember seeing my grandfather in the hospital bed and I saw him. Lying there. Growing colder. The light was slowly going out. I knew that he was dying. But I couldn't watch it. I couldn't take his hand and tell him that it was alright. In fact I remember that I wanted to leave that room as fast as I could. I felt like I would be lying if I said that everything would be alright because it wouldn't be. I wouldn't see my grandfather again. So when my parents forced me to take his hand I tried so hard to choke back my tears. It was really hard. I never said that I wanted death to be easy but it is really hard for me. Since I am very empathic. I knew that he was in a lot of pain. And I knew that he wouldn't be long. But I couldn't see my grandfather, whom I loved dearly like that.

My other relative was my great grandmother on my mother's side. I couldn't say goodbye to her either. I didn't necessarily have an attachment to her but seeing her like that made me want to cry.

So now it is the third time around... and now it is the other grandfather. I knew that he is in a lot of pain and I could see it. He looked into my eyes, almost like he was looking for me to help him. Or to say that he was sorry for when I was younger. I know that he is sorry. But I couldn't look at him. He was going... he was so close that the already dark room cast a gloomy shadow around him. The only light was the light from the door and his small fading light. I knew that the grim reaper would be soon appearing and taking my grandfather.

Death it's self doesn't bother me. I know that might sound contradictory but being around a dead body does not bother me. I mean... I went to see a cadaver in high school... If it was anything that got me it was that smell that they preserved the body in. But that was minor the body it's self I was okay with.

But when someone is dying... they look to you for help. Especially when they are in a lot of pain. They look at you like you are going to help release them from this world and guide them to the next. I can feel they're pain. And I feel they're sadness and I can feel they're fear. It overloads me and I can't be around it. So that is why I left the room with tears in my eyes. And my aunt held me while I cried outside the room.

Well now that my aunt from Chicago is back in town again maybe he will finally move on. Because there is only so long that you can stay here. Eventually death has to come. For each one of us. I don't fear it. Because I know that some time the bell will ring for me and it will be my time. I just hope that I live a fulfilling life and have no regrets about how my life turned out. I hope I grow old and I have children that won't put me in a home like that. Since that is where people go to die. That would be my last request.

I think that is all I can write. I am kind of glad that I could process this. I am going to go sleep now. Goodnight.