So... the two afternoon co-workers of mine quit. So... me and another co-worker have to cover for them. I am pissed off. I mean they are great people and I know that they wanted to quit for a while... but... the timing SUCKS!

A few days earlier I asked my boss to move me to another store. One that I have been trying to get at since I came back to Portland. Since I am familiar and comfortable there. I am not sure if them quitting screws my chance going there or not. I don't think so but you never know with my boss. But one thing is certain and that is I am not sure what is going to happen. I don't know who is going to stay for the afternoons next week. I know that one of my co-workers could do it... but there needs to be someone else there too... that might be me... and working five days of 12 hour shifts is going to suck major ass and I will be cranky by Wednesday. I am sure that my boss can find some one to fill in... I am training someone next week for my shift. But it looks like I am going to have to be downtown a little longer. Which I actually expected to be there for a little while longer. But still... god damn it.

Nice timing guys... Nice fucking timing!

So the cops came to the apartment building AGAIN! To deal with some white trash bullshit... I swear I was living back in my old place where you would think that there would be this kind of crap all the time but I had less trouble there. Go figure.

This is like the third time this month that the cops have shown up.

There might be a risk of me having to look for a new place to live because the owners might get tired of all the bullshit and just give us all thirty days to get out.

yesh...

wow... it is eight days until my birthday...

crazy.

Soon I will be 21. On 8 18 08.

I am kind of excited. I am going to be legal enough to get a drink at a restaurant... finally.

But I think I am going to have a low key kind of party. I am going to invite a bunch of people over to my house on the Saturday after my birthday and we will probably drink and play video games and watch movies on my tiny TV. I am thinking of getting a bigger TV... because my little 14" is just too small for my place... I am not sure what I am going to do with it after I get my new one. I am sure my sister would like it. Since she can plug her games into it. I think that is a good idea... I am going to go plan and plot now... and eat lunch... mmm.... lunch.

So I have been thinking...

And in these thoughts I have been wondering about traveling.

And the place that I would like to travel to would be Japan.

I have been wanting to go there for a long time now and I would really love to be in another country again.

So since these thought processes have led me here I have been pondering.

I would like to go next summer. If that would be possible. The trick would be getting the money together. But I would like to have at LEAST one year of Japanese under my belt before doing so. Now I have a goal. To make my self take Japanese 101 for a whole school year and then that summer go to Japan and play around there for a few weeks. I am thinking about doing a school group travel abroad thing. I believe that the rates would be cheaper if I did it that way. I have to check on that but I am pretty sure that I could get some scholarships to help me out with some of the cost. Being that it is a college thing.

But it needs researching and planning so... we shall have to see about that.

Oh by the way we got the cat safely back to his owners. We are good people ^__^.

In an awkward voice:

there is much about this life that I do not understand or will not EVER understand. I have grown to accept that. I know that there are mysteries that my life time will never reveal to me. I don't want to know. I DON'T... WANT... TO... KNOW....

There are mysteries that I don't want to be apart of. I don't want to know what sleeps in the eternal darkness. I don't want to see the demons of the night crawling from the shadows upon the walls. I don't want to HEAR those FUCKING VOICES in my head. Scritching and scratching upon my brain with they're chattering. But... I feel it... I hear it... I fucking smell it....

there is something that sleeps inside of me. I can feel it growing inside my chest. Infecting my body with it's poison as it spreads through me. There is someone there. I know it is not me. It trys to push me out of my head so that it can sit there in MY brain and control MY body. I try so hard to lock it away. But I am getting weaker each time I try to stop it. One of these days.... it is going to win.

And that day is coming.

a possible comic idea?

We shall see...

So things have just gotten weirder...

It all starts yesterday... when my sister and I were walking to her house from 33rd and Hawthorne and this little black kitty came up to us. So we petted it and turned to leave. It bounded in front of us and proceeded to follow us to my father's house. Which is on 13th. So this little cat followed us from SE 33rd and Main to 13th and Taylor. When we got to my dad's house we were trying to figure out what to do. It was obviously lost and confused. The cat was surprisingly clean and well fed so... we thought that he came from a nice home. But he doesn't have a collar and we are not sure if he is microchiped or not. He looks to be about one year old and he is the sweetest kitty that I have ever met.

So we've been putting up ad's on the internet and we will be making flyers this weekend and putting those up around where we found him. But so far it has been no luck. And we found out that his name is Toby because he looks at whomever calls him and meows. We don't get any vocal response with any other name. His name COULD be similar to Toby but he looks like a Toby. So that is what I've been calling him. He slept with me on my bed the whole night up until the time I had to go to work. I love this kitty. But I would feel bad for just keeping him... but we are doing all we can so that he can go back to his family.

Because the right thing to do sometimes hurts because it is hard to give back something that you care about. I think that the right thing to do sucks but I am sure that this kitty came from a really nice family and it would be a good thing to give him back to his home.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls... it tolls for thee

Wow it's been a while...

But I just got my internet set up yesterday. Which is good because I have been sick and tired of not having it. It is just too difficult in this day and age to not have access to the internet.

Living with out it was a pain in the ass. It's nice to be connected to the world again.

Anyway...

Not much to say except I have been working... A fucking lot. I am tired but I need the hours to make the money I need to keep me living here in my apartment. With internet... because this bill is going to be super expensive since I had to buy the modem for my internet. I thought that would be easier than buying it. So yeah. I am going to have to figure out how I am going to do school along with work. But I am sure that it will work out.

So on a sadder note

My grandfather is dying.

I saw him yesterday...

Lets just say that I do not like watching people die.

I saw him fading.

I touched his skin and it was so cold.

I knew that he was close but for some reason he is holding on to this world.

We only WISH we knew what or who he was waiting for.

But we don't know. So...

I am not close to this relative because he was a difficult person to be around. He was mean. He said some insulting things. And he had this air of hate that made you want to have your bones broken than to be around him. So I won't be sad when he is gone.

But...

I can't watch people fade.

Because it is such a hard thing to watch.

The first time I dealt with a relative dying was my grandfather on my father's side. I walked into the room and I remember seeing my grandfather in the hospital bed and I saw him. Lying there. Growing colder. The light was slowly going out. I knew that he was dying. But I couldn't watch it. I couldn't take his hand and tell him that it was alright. In fact I remember that I wanted to leave that room as fast as I could. I felt like I would be lying if I said that everything would be alright because it wouldn't be. I wouldn't see my grandfather again. So when my parents forced me to take his hand I tried so hard to choke back my tears. It was really hard. I never said that I wanted death to be easy but it is really hard for me. Since I am very empathic. I knew that he was in a lot of pain. And I knew that he wouldn't be long. But I couldn't see my grandfather, whom I loved dearly like that.

My other relative was my great grandmother on my mother's side. I couldn't say goodbye to her either. I didn't necessarily have an attachment to her but seeing her like that made me want to cry.

So now it is the third time around... and now it is the other grandfather. I knew that he is in a lot of pain and I could see it. He looked into my eyes, almost like he was looking for me to help him. Or to say that he was sorry for when I was younger. I know that he is sorry. But I couldn't look at him. He was going... he was so close that the already dark room cast a gloomy shadow around him. The only light was the light from the door and his small fading light. I knew that the grim reaper would be soon appearing and taking my grandfather.

Death it's self doesn't bother me. I know that might sound contradictory but being around a dead body does not bother me. I mean... I went to see a cadaver in high school... If it was anything that got me it was that smell that they preserved the body in. But that was minor the body it's self I was okay with.

But when someone is dying... they look to you for help. Especially when they are in a lot of pain. They look at you like you are going to help release them from this world and guide them to the next. I can feel they're pain. And I feel they're sadness and I can feel they're fear. It overloads me and I can't be around it. So that is why I left the room with tears in my eyes. And my aunt held me while I cried outside the room.

Well now that my aunt from Chicago is back in town again maybe he will finally move on. Because there is only so long that you can stay here. Eventually death has to come. For each one of us. I don't fear it. Because I know that some time the bell will ring for me and it will be my time. I just hope that I live a fulfilling life and have no regrets about how my life turned out. I hope I grow old and I have children that won't put me in a home like that. Since that is where people go to die. That would be my last request.

I think that is all I can write. I am kind of glad that I could process this. I am going to go sleep now. Goodnight.

So... yeah...

My mother and my step-dad got their kitten. We thought it was a girl but as it turns out... well... she is actually a he. So instead of Penelope we renamed him to Gizmo. Which he seems to be responding better to. My mother is a little disappointed that he is not a she but the little speed demon kind of grows on ya. I love him. He is spunky and outrageous little one and acts just like a kitten should. He plays with literally everything insight including his own tail. Which is cute to watch him attack his own tail.

That is all I can write for now. I have to head for stupid work. Hopefully I'll write more later when I am feeling up to it. But for now I really have to get going! Chao!