No Artificial Flavors!

Finally the last chain link of my past has been broken. I am no longer it's slave.

I am actually happy and not artificially.

Now I must sleep.

Tomorrow is a big day.

And one step closer to going to school.

And one step closer to fulfilling my dream to being who I want to be.

Lesson Learned.

An important lesson was learned.

And that lesson was an eye opener, I guess you could say.

I felt like I've been stuck in a horrible rerun of some sort. It seemed that I was making the same mistakes and I wasn't doing anything to change them. But where did I go? I went deeper inside my little shell of me and buried myself under the problems I was having. Never ending visions of all the mistakes and bad things I'd done kept repeating in my mind and suffocated me.

Then after getting...

inebriated...

^__^;

I EXPLODED on a different online journal.

It wasn't pretty.

In short it basically stated that I felt like shit and I wasn't going where I wanted to and I felt trapped because of it. The explosion didn't help... it actually made everything worse... >_<>
What I need was an intervention.

And I got it... Sorta...

A certain someone stepped forward and that person told me what they saw in me. They saw me hurting and they wanted to help but I would push them away by being reclusive and hiding deeper inside my self. I spoke of how much I was hurt in the past and how much pain that life had caused me (tears flowing down my face). As they replied the words suddenly slapped me in the face. I realized that I was so foolish.

I was foolish for holding on to my past for so long. That was the over looming horrible monster that I kept chained to my self. There were so many things that I never actually forgave my self for. I felt like no one would ever understand what I went through. What I felt. And all the pain and suffering that I had when I was growing up. But instead of talking about it, I just let it eat away inside me.

And if this someone hadn't talked some sense into me... well, I would probably still be wallowing in my disillusions of self worthlessness. I realized that I needed to let all that shit go. because it didn't matter anymore. Yes, I fucked up... billions of times... but that is apart of this thing called life that we all have to go through. Every one fucks up some how and there is no reason to beat yourself up about it constantly like I did.

I realized that even though I was broken I could be glued back together. There were things that hurt me and crushed me but that doesn't matter now. Because it was in the past. So I didn't do it a certain way... well whatever, I made a mistake. I am only human.

I also realized that even though I am not going anywhere now I know that I WILL be able to go and it is because of this great desire to get the fuck out of this city that I will be able to. Even though it may take longer than I want to.

It's this unhealthy habit of caring so much about what other people think of you. It's this whole image thing that I hate about this society. Where people have to look a certain way, act a certain way, piss and shit in a certain way, It's sickening.

So, I am going to try my best to build a thicker skin and brush off the people who don't matter. I shouldn't care about what people think of me. Because I am me. and no one else can tell me who to be, or what I should look like, or what I need to do with my life. Fuck them! Fuck them all! From now on I will not be so critical of my self and I will let all my mistakes go. I know who I am now. Well, mostly... I am still trying to find my personal watermark as a human. And when I find my nitch in this horrible, condescending world of ours I will give the finger to those who told me what they wanted me to be and who they wanted me to become.

I want to be me.

And that is all I want to be.

I am Invader M.

Put on this earth to show all you that I am ruler of the universe.

...

You are just living here.

HA HA HA HA!

Shattered Peices

Lately... I've been feeling down.

Maybe because the only man I really loved is gone from me. He left to have his own adventure. I knew that this was going to happen. But I don't think I realised how much it was going to impact me. I knew that I was going to be sad, and depressed but not to the level it is now.

I never thought I would be crying my self to sleep every night. Thinking about how much I care for him. I love everything about him. His smell, his touch, his kisses, his handsome face, his body, etc. My heart aches every day and the tears build up until night where I am alone in bed. Hugging myself as tears pour down my cheeks.

Sad. Yes. I know.

What I don't understand is his lack of faith in me to keep the relationship alive. I would have done anything for him. Anything. Seriously. If he asked me to go to moon with him... I would have done it. I would have waited until hell froze over if that is what he wanted me to do. My extreme patience and undying loyalty to those I love is what makes me... well me. Except it seems that his not what he wants. To be honest... I am not sure what he wants. He is very quiet about his personal feelings, which makes me sad because I feel that he wasn't honest with me about certain things.

It seems to me that he is afraid to get too attached to someone. But like I said... I can't speak for him. I just wish I understood what he was thinking and how he really felt about me. Because sometimes... I felt like I was just there when it was convenient. Which I know wasn't the intention. But sometimes when he told me that he loved me... it didn't feel like he meant it. Which could be my mistake. But... it made me worry.

What also hurts is that he seems to think that I would find someone to replace him. But... I will never find another man like him. He was one of a kind. He was addicting in a good way. I loved spending time with him. Just being in the same room with him felt good. Even when he wasn't here I looked forward to seeing him. That is what helped me through the day. It would be like a reward or something. We didn't talk much but that isn't what mattered. What mattered to me was that we were together and that was the important thing.

But it wasn't important enough it seems.

Everything comes full circle. So I guess it's like it was when I was alone all those years ago. When I would get a crush on someone and then they would go out with someone else. I thought I knew heart break then. I was always the quiet one. The wallflower. No one would ask me out. I was just alone. I guess I fall in love with the wrong people. Or the right ones... depends on how you look at it. It is just harder for a girl to make a move. Call me old fashioned or hopeless romantic.

I have been dreaming about him. I also saw him standing (or sitting in another occasion) and heard his voice in my head. I saw his smile. and tears came to my eyes. As they are doing now.
My friends can only offer me support in that they will do all they can for me. And all I can do is smile.

I still love you. As deeply as when you left me. Possibly more. Did you know that you were my motivation. You were my light in the darkness. You made me happy. You supported me. You were there for me. As I was for you. I would have given you my soul if you asked me. Because I love you. No one can replace you. I love you. I can't express it enough. I love and miss you. and I wish I could come with you on at least part of your adventure. But it seems that is not to be. As much as it hurts me to say this. It was good while it lasted. Just understand that this is going to take more than a few months to get over. Since the wounds run deep.

I love you with all my heart.

Happy New Year!

The new year has arrived at last. Happy 2007!

And as the clock ticks closer to the time when my job goes out of business. The feeling of light hearted happiness gets stronger.

I can't begin to express how exactly this feels.

It is like walking on air. Or swimming in a euphoric sea. I can't decide which. But what I do know is that my days of customer service are coming to an end. That knowledge is what brings a smile to my face and giggle insanely with glee.

I feel like I am on my way to doing what I should be doing. I want to go on adventures. I want to see the world! I have been having this wanderlust wriggle inside me for too long. It is time to break the bonds of my captivity, bust down these "prison" city walls and fall into another culture and experience life. It is time to go. It is time to find out who I really am.

I have a ways to go to get there. but if it wasn't for a certain someone... I don't think that I would have made my decision to go. Thank you my love. Thank you.

The First Post. Yay!

HI.

...

That's all I wanted to say for the moment.