Happy (Belated) New Year

I was reading some of my old posts and... wow... I was a pompous ass. Well, maybe not pompous but arrogant maybe? I don't know... 

In any case... yeah... 

I have had one hell of a year last year. I was depressed and going through some major anxiety issues relating to school. I dropped out of Ai. I quit my crappy job and my husband and I moved across the river to Vancouver, WA. I was depressed that my art career was/is (currently) going nowhere. I am currently just a unemployed artist who's husband's income pays for everything. All the while I didn't know who I was or what I really wanted to do with my life. 

I notice that I always do this... I always talk about my life this way. Spilling my guts out on the internet, hoping someone would comment or check on me. As if I was asking for attention. Since most of my life I have been in the background, even to myself. Like I was watching my life from the backseat with no one driving. Okay, maybe not that bad. 

But, I digress. 

Truth is I don't care who reads this or who responds or whatever. Really. I don't care what people think of me because I am who I am. I am a complex and unique human being. No one can define who I am. No one can tell me who or what I am. For a long time through out my childhood, people have been trying to figure me out. Find out what makes me tick. Trying to shape me in their images or put me into they're categorized boxes. The truth is, no one can do that to me. No one can change me.

With this knowledge finally sinking in, I feel better about my self than I ever have before. I am strong! I have started eating better and working out my body so that I be healthy again. I have started a health blog, I write in it everyday after every workout. I am feeling better about my self and I feel like my life has a purpose again. I want to start my freelancing art business again. I am drawing almost everyday. From the day that I realized that I can take control of my life by becoming healthy and living again... I feel like I can take on the world. 

I wrote a phrase that I have on my gtalk account for those who are able to chat with me: "Facing today's challenges with a smile on my face" because it's true. Life isn't all sunshine and roses all the time. But, it isn't constantly problematic and chaotic either and that was something that I feared. I feared life. I feared that everyday would be hell. The only way that everyday was going to be hell is because I believed that everyday WAS going to be hell. But if I just believed in myself, I could just walk in and out with a smile on my face. Sure I am not perfect but I don't have to be. Just taking it one day at a time and letting go of the past is what is really important. Not letting everything get to me. Sure things annoy me and always will but I don't have to hang on to them. What's done is done and tomorrow is a new day.  

Anyway, I am rambling a bit... but this is what I have been doing with myself. Fixing my life so that I can enjoy it. And if problems come up I will be facing them with a smile on my face. 

(BTW- Probably going to be posting some art up here pretty soon. As soon as I figure out how to get the art from my tablet into Photoshop on my laptop)