here it is ladies and gentlemen.

My last night here in Laguna Beach. My last night in California even.

I have so many feelings right now but the two main major feelings that I feel right now are Nervousness and Excitement.

It really is a mixture of the two.

I am excited that I am finally leaving and that I can see my friends and family awaiting me at the airport.

I am not sure why I am nervous. I am little nervous about flying... I haven't flown in a long time so this is kind of big for me. But you know... I am not THAT worried about it. I know that once I get there and get checked in and go through security that it will all be okay.

Aw man! I can't wait.

But I am not really looking forward to getting up at 6am but I want to be sure that I have enough time to go through all the fucking lines and airport crap.

*whew*

1 DAY!!!!!!

Wow.

Thursday is almost gone. and I am still here. But I won't be here for much longer. I am going home the day after tomorrow. *sigh* I fucking made it. I really did. I am coming home in the next few days. Wow.

that is really all I can say.

And I have made it happen for my self. I earned the money to get me here and I am proud that I worked so hard to make it this far.

I have an extremely busy day tomorrow with all the crap that I have to do. So today was my last day to see Laguna Beach. I didn't spend a lot of time there... but I did get to know it some what. And I worked and slaved over getting my self out of this mess I created so... I am glad that everything is going to work out.

2 DAYS!!!!

Well I have successfully not gone to work for the past three days. But I have been sick for almost a week. Actually it has been over a week. And I am still sorta sick. I could be worse. But I have been feeling better. It has been going perfectly. I am going in tomorrow to drop off the flowers for my boss and picking up my check and I am going to pretend that I have no voice from coughing and then I will be free. Oh I forgot it is Thursday... so I will be acting out my plan tomorrow.

There also have been some interesting Internet correspondence between me and the "Guarantor". I think it is safe to say that I will never be doing THAT again. EVER. But she pretty much told me that she was worried about May's rent and utilities and that she wanted a maintenance person to walk through our apartment and see that there have been no damages done to it.

First of all... we have a kitty that we are not supposed to have since the leasing office doesn't know about it. Also I am busy today and Friday. I don't have the fucking time for this. Plus the fact there are no fucking damages! and if there are I paid the 500.00 fucking dollar security deposit so if the damages show up they can take it out of that. Plus the fact my roommate has also paid that security deposit so that is at least 1,000 that they can take it out of that. It made me angry that she insinuated that we (or her daughter) made fucking holes in the ceilings, broke the door hinges and poured wine on the carpet and walls.

Also I want to know where my last month's rent went. Because I paid the bitch first and LAST month's rent. I am pretty sure that when someone says first and last months rent that is what it fucking means. Last I checked anyway.

So I think that my suspicions of her over charging me and spending the extra money on Valium and wine are correct. Because I think that is what she is doing. Since it sounds to me like she is worried that she can't pay the rent because she spent the money on frivolous shit. And I am calling her out on it.

I pretty much told her that.. actually... here is the e-mail. With the name's and other information removed from it.

this is what she sent me.

Hello M,

I have not heard back from you and I understand from (roommate) that you are planning on moving out April 19th. I'm so sorry to hear this. What are you planning to do regarding rent for May, and utilities for March-April (I should have that to you later this month) and April-May?

I'd like to hear from you if possible before you leave. I don't want to see you stuck with any damages to the apartment (if there are any!) that you are not responsible for. It might be prudent to have the maintenaince man come in and have a go round before you depart.

You can call me or email me. Your preference.

(insert roommate's name here) said you've been a nice roommate. I hope your experience in Laguna Beach was a rewarding one. I know it's not my cup of tea.

Sincerely,
(name left out)

Now... I didn't want her to know that I was leaving so soon because of complications such as this and receiving an e-mail such as the one above but... it is done now and they were bound to find out sooner or later that I was leaving the 19th anyway. So below is the response that I sent to her.

Um... it was from my understanding that I paid for May's rent since when I sent you the check that was for the first and last month's rent when we first talked about me becoming (roommate's name here) roommate. I have saved ALL my e-mail's which includes that information as well as my bank statements which has the checks cleared in my bank account as well as your conformations that you have received as cashed those checks. So that really should not be the issue. I was planning on paying you the March- April utilities anyway because I didn't want to leave (roommate's name here) with the short end of the stick. I am more then willing to pay April- May's utilities as well.

You saying that my money for May's rent isn't there worries me and I would like to know where it has gone since I have records of YOU charging me first AND last month's rent as well as my bank statements which has records of my account clearing those checks.

I unfortunately do not have the time to have a maintenance guy go through our apartment before I leave because I do have some last minute business I have to take care of as well as finishing up my packing. There are no damages to speak of (my roommate can also vouch for this) and if there are I am sure the security deposit will cover it. Since that is what the security deposit is for. If there are more charges I am sure the leasing office will let me know and I will send a check to cover those charges. However I would like to have a copy of the statement that has the damages written on it sent TO ME and my mother. The actual copy of the damage report and not a e-mailed break-up of the damage report please. Have the leasing office send it to me. If there is any reimbursement please send it to (address insterted here)

So the way I see it I have no more business to do with you and I will send you a check for seventy five dollars and that should cover my utilities. I have sent a copy of this e-mail to the leasing office.

I caught her with her pants down. She seems to think that she has this power over me. Which she doesn't have. She can't keep me here and I don't know what makes her think that she has the power to do so. I am leaving in two days. I have kicked her in the nuts. I called her out on her bullshit.

like for example. She wouldn't send us copies of the actual bill statements but she would send e-mail break ups of what each cut was going to be.

...

now... doesn't that sound like a load of bullshit. This was not what I thought that she was doing. What I was under the impression that she was doing was that she would send us the e-mails but also scanned copies of the bill statements. Or at least hard evidence that she added it up and divided it correctly or that the numbers were correct. nope. I saw nothing of the sort. My mother also asked for BILL STATEMENTS not the e-mailed break up thing. But guess what she sent. you fucking guessed it.

So I called her out on it: "However I would like to have a copy of the statement that has the damages written on it sent TO ME and my mother. The actual copy of the damage report and not a e-mailed break-up of the damage report please. Have the leasing office send it to me."
I pretty much let her know that I know what she has been doing and that I am not going to give her anymore money except for the money for the utilities. She is not going to intimidate me by being a sugar coated housewife pretending to be a business woman.

She is freaking the fuck out because she now has to figure out where she is going to get the 702.00. Plus the money for the April- May's utilities. Which if she wants me to pay for it then that is fine. But I really don't see any reason to because she is probably going to spend it on more drugs for her bipolar crazy bitch disorder.

I do admit that I was being a bitch but when I don't know where my fucking money was going... I don't like to be fucked around with. I am not going to play her game. She can't keep me here and if she gets a lawyer it is going to cost her SO much more money. Since I have kept all my records (I thank my self and my foresight for that one). Even the conformation e-mails that she sent me saying that she has received my checks. I've got it all. I am more then happy to throw that back in her face.

But... you know... I will be gone from this shit hole in two more days and I won't have to worry about this bullshit. Because this woman is bat shit crazy and hopefully what I've said will make her think and back the FUCK off. Because I covered my bases. Especially with the letter to the leasing office that I sent to them. If I get given shit about me not leaving May 2nd I can point out what I said in the letter.

I said BY May 2nd.

Not ON.

BY.

Which means... anytime from the date of the letter to May the 2nd.

...I think I am safe on this one. My mama didn't raise no idiot as this woman will find out shortly enough.

The hard part is going to be going into work tomorrow and trying to convince them that I can't work but to get my check and drop off my gift. But I think I can manage.

Well... I am tired. I think I am going to get some shut eye. I am tired and I have a busy day ahead.

Good night.

Oh and

TWO DAYS!!!!!!!

If it is not one thing it is another.

I am not sure why chaos likes to create it's self in my life but the mother fucker likes to and it was here a little while ago.

I received a call from work from my leasing office. They want me to sign a paper that releases me from the lease since I am in a "guarantor" situation. I just know that I am never putting my name down on something with someone else who holds the fucking strings. EVER AGAIN.

Well... I've learned my lesson and I know what not to do in the future.

I really need to stop reacting so rashly to sudden changes in my plan. Which gives me more reason to believe that I am a closet megalomaniac... sudden changes in plans usually gets rash reactions.

Wow I feel sick.
My skull feels like a drill or a rusty nail is being pounded into my forehead. and the headache medicine is starting to wear off a little. I am just glad that the nausea is gone.

18 days.

Sometimes I wish I was a better writer. That the juicy words could pour out of my orfaces like jell-o on a summer day. Melting into a pool of intelligent sentences and words that make awesome. Then your eyes would drink the pool from the trough like the little pigs you are. Wouldn't that be something children? That I could make such things? But my medium is visual. and so the wishes of being a better writer won't happen... my eye went all twitchy... fucking weird.

Wow I am feeling a stabbing pain in my brain. I am not sure what it is. It feels like a vaporous gas that was pumped directly into my mind. I wonder if it is because of my lack of sleep. I did get up at five yesterday morning. Five fucking morning. mother fucker.

I really should sleep but then my weekend would be wasted. functioning barely. fuck. I want to enjoy my time in this shit hole but it is getting harder with each day that passes me. My home becons me and I can't leave yet. the check IS in the mail bitch! it's not my fault if it doesn't get there on time. because you fucking started it.

I need to get out of here. I am going insane in this white room... this prison... and the only time I get out of here is to go slave away being a little bitch to everybody and dealing with the fucking bullshit that is bullshit and being told that everything I have been doing has been wrong. At LEAST once a fucking day I don't do something right. YOU COULD HAVE TRAINED ME BETTER YOU FUCKERS! I CAN'T WAIT TO LEAVE YOUR SHITHOLE OF A BUSINESS WITH ROACHES CRAWLING ON THE FLOOR AND MOLDY BREAD! I WILL BE FUCKING LAUGHING WITH FUCKING JOY WHEN I FUCKING LEAVE!!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO NOT SEE YOU FUCKS EVER AGAIN!!!!! YOU CAN KISS MY ASS BITCHES! I AM NEVER COMING BACK!!!! NOT EVEN TO FUCKING VISIT UNLESS THE OWNER HAS CHANGED!!!! I AM SO SERIOUS!! YOU CAN SUCK MY FUCKING BALLS BECAUSE IN THREE FUCKING WEEKS I WON'T BE WORKING FOR YOU ASSHOLES ANYMORE!!!! I AM TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE SHIT AND LIKE I AM SUPPOSED TO KNOW EVERYTHING BECAUSE I FUCKING DON'T BITCH AND IT HELPS IF YOU FUCKING TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT!!!! BECAUSE OTHERWISE I WON'T KNOW!!! I CAN'T READ YOUR MIND YOU FUCKING ROBOT!!! I HATE YOUR BUSINESS AND I HATE YOUR CUSTOMERS AND I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THE FUCK AWAY!!! I WILL BE LAUGHING MANICALLY ON THE PLANE WHEN IT TAKES OFF AND THEY WILL HAVE TO DRUG MY PEANUTS TO SHUT ME THE FUCK UP AND I WILL BE SITTING IN A DRUG EUPHORIA AND SMILING BECAUSE I AM AWAY FROM YOU FUCKS!!! I AM ALMOST TEMPTED TO TELL YOUR CUSTOMERS THAT PISS ME OFF TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES BUT I WON'T BECAUSE I HAVE THIS THING CALLED SELF CONTROL AND I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THE REPERCUSSIONS AND I WANT TO LEAVE WITH YOU ALL CRYING IN THE CORNER AND ME LAUGHING ON MY WAY OUT BECAUSE I WILL BE GONE FOREVER!

fucking period.

Making me all hormonal and pissy.

Going to school in the fall. I am going to my state u. to learn'em me something and to edumacation get and receive. going to draw and learn me some nihongo. because I have been wanting to learn it for like five centuries.

I think I am starting to lose consciousnesses...

I really I need to sleep... but I think that either Futuramas or Venture Brothers needs to be watched....

oh... sister coming for a friend's wedding I am excited to hug and then stay up watching cartoons and drinking juiced rockstars because they are delicious. And then we go to the wedding and then we watch more cartoons. She is sharing my room with me. i don't know where she is collapsing for sleep nighties but I'll figure it out. thursday's a coming. it will be two weeks after the wedding then I get to leave this shithole. yes.

fuck you all...

I think i am hungry.

i want potatoes.

then watch cartoons then sleep...

pppppooooottttaaaatttttoooooeeeeessss....

Happy Fucking Easter.

I have been having weird dreams that I don't remember.
But in the back of my mind they are there.
As I think and try so hard to recall what it was that I dreamt.
I sometimes wonder if it will open the door to what I have been searching for.
The key to the human mind.
The inner psyche.
Open the door.
But what is the key?
what is the key?
the key.

And that was me being poetic this morning.

It's Easter Sunday and I don't care. But if I get free chocolates then it is good enough for me I guess. I don't believe in god. And so I don't believe that his son died for "my sins" because comparatively he would have to do a hell of a lot more then just dying these days because of all the "sin" today. I don't think that just being tortured and dying and getting up three days later is enough. Sorry. I just don't. I guess he was ridiculed too on his way to die but that is only being humiliated. I don't think that would cover for every body's "sins". There is just too much and they must have had some high expectations of Jesus in order to believe that his death could cover all the sins of every human being. I can't believe the stupidity of some people.

People have taken the "bible" WAAAAYYYY too seriously for too long. Really all the book is is stories that people have made up to better themselves as humans. But people have been blindly trying to follow all that the bible says and that is just impossible. If you think about it the bible is divided into books and chapters. So really what people are reading is like a big book of "Grimm's Fairy Tales" But they take it so literally that people refuse to think for them selves. I bet the original writer of the bible wouldn't say that it was a holy book that was bestowed on him from a higher power (well I think that he would say that later... ). I bet it was because he saw all the corruption and hate and lies that he wanted to write something that was meaningful to people. Something that would inspire them to want to go out an be good human beings. To live peacefully. But it also seems to me that the book was not just written by this one person. I think over the years it was added to and made larger by different writers who had their own theories on the world and how it was created. I mean what is better to listen to?
A god who created the earth?
Or the evolution of man?

Creation stories about gods creating the earth have been around since civilizations began. So why not? I mean the evolution theory probably sounded more like fiction then a god creating the earth.
Science has mostly proved otherwise. But that was only because they questioned the theory of creation.

I find it slightly interesting that this book in particular people follow so closely. There ARE other books with morels to them too. But just because there isn't the word "god" in them they are they are just stories. I am glad that people are taking the stories to heart but I think that a lot of people are just too extreme.

No, I don't like you preaching to me about god. I don't like you when you come into my workplace or knocking on my door at home and give me a letter about Jesus Christ writing to me about him dying for my sins when I know damn well that either you or your pastor who wrote this on the computer and xeroxed a bunch of copies to hand out to people.

I don't like it when you push your beliefs on me.

So back the fuck off.

I don't believe in god or his son. I don't believe that he really existed since no one has really proved that anyway. I think that if there was a Jesus... and he did die. I think that before his followers came to check on him someone stole his body and buried him somewhere. Because he didn't appear in front of his followers again when they came for him. They just assumed that he resurrected. That what is called a writer's creative licence. I don't think that Jesus was a real person. I think that this whole thing was just a story. Which brings me back to my previous argument that the bible is nothing more then a bunch of stories written by some clever writers and people have taken it way to literally.

Like the whole Mary getting pregnant with out sex thing... It is impossible to have a baby with out getting inseminated with sperm. Seriously. I mean come on. They just lied about having sex... I mean DID a doctor even CHECK if she was a virgin? no. In the story it pretty much is about when Mary is in her last month and is about to have the baby and they had no place to go. I think that they did fuck. But again... creative license. Who would want to believe that the son of god came out of someone who WASN'T a virgin. That wouldn't sound as good. Also they were looking for a place to stay because they were running away since they had sex when they weren't supposed to. Oops.

I didn't mean to run off on a tangent there but I don't like people pushing they're religion on me. Since I don't believe in such things. I have been through a lot with religion and I don't want to fight with people about it. I just think it's stupid and that people should leave me alone about it. It's fine. Go believe in your stories. If they make you a better person then sure go right ahead but just get away from me. I don't want to hear about how I should go to church because I am sinner. It is truly impossible to live by all those high expectations in the bible. Not all of them were meant to be taken as laws to live by heart. Only some of them. Take what you want to live by as you, a person not as the whole goddamn book. And that is what a lot people never seemed to understand.

Also the bible is not a law book. It is not the law. We don't uphold it and we don't use it as judgment guide in our courts. So if two gay people want to get married that is their choice. It was bullshit that the bible was brought into it. And marriage has never been "sacred". A lot of things happen behind closed doors that I wouldn't call "scared" in fact I would call it hell or murder or abused or angry. Really it is just a legal way to become a apart of someone else's life for as long as they live... or when they get sick of each other. Not all people are unhappily married so I am glad for them. I think that people got so hyped up this gay marriage thing that their bibles had to be waved into the air and said that was a volition of the good book. When really that shouldn't have had any effect on what the pollations verdict was. But... as any god fearing citizen would have done they let the bible into the argument. Which it shouldn't have been there in the first place. There is a line... and that is called church and state and the motherfuckers keep wanting to cross back and forth over that line.

Geez. I was ranting again.

I don't like the thought of some Omnipotent being watching me and what ever I do. but you know what I say to that *gives the bird to the sky*. Well then god getting quite a show. Although I think it is also impossible that he is watching all the billions of people in the world. Since that doesn't make sense but if he wants to watch me then go right a fucking head mother fucker. I don't care.
Yes I have "sinned" and I will continue to "sin" until the day I die. Where is the fun in being good all the time anyway?

So all you fuckers who want to preach to me can back the fuck off because I don't want to hear it. If this crazy fucked up religion works for you then great. But I am happier just knowing that I am different and that I am not like you blindly following the Shepard like the sheep you are. I have strayed from the path long ago and I have discovered great things about my self and I believe that I am starting to become who I want to be without god. And it will be without god until the day I die.

Happy Fucking Easter.

Oh and 27 days.

Okay... so everything is all good now...

I decided to let my roommate know what the fuck was going on. And it was fine. She was totally understanding and wishes that she could leave too actually. Which is ironic since it seems like everyone wants to get out of Laguna Beach... I guess it's not just me... Well anyway I am glad that is fucking over with. All that is left is to make sure the bills are paid and I am good to go.

I even gave my boss my mailing address for my W-2 forms so that when she is done with that she will mail them to my dad's house. Yay! everything is going good. I actually had an awesome day today. I think it's good that I got all the "telling people who I am afraid to tell that I am leaving thing" off my chest and now there really isn't anything for me to worry about. I am feeling so awesome and tired right now... I am so sleepy. Jesus.

I am going home! :P!

33 days!