Happy (Belated) New Year

I was reading some of my old posts and... wow... I was a pompous ass. Well, maybe not pompous but arrogant maybe? I don't know... 

In any case... yeah... 

I have had one hell of a year last year. I was depressed and going through some major anxiety issues relating to school. I dropped out of Ai. I quit my crappy job and my husband and I moved across the river to Vancouver, WA. I was depressed that my art career was/is (currently) going nowhere. I am currently just a unemployed artist who's husband's income pays for everything. All the while I didn't know who I was or what I really wanted to do with my life. 

I notice that I always do this... I always talk about my life this way. Spilling my guts out on the internet, hoping someone would comment or check on me. As if I was asking for attention. Since most of my life I have been in the background, even to myself. Like I was watching my life from the backseat with no one driving. Okay, maybe not that bad. 

But, I digress. 

Truth is I don't care who reads this or who responds or whatever. Really. I don't care what people think of me because I am who I am. I am a complex and unique human being. No one can define who I am. No one can tell me who or what I am. For a long time through out my childhood, people have been trying to figure me out. Find out what makes me tick. Trying to shape me in their images or put me into they're categorized boxes. The truth is, no one can do that to me. No one can change me.

With this knowledge finally sinking in, I feel better about my self than I ever have before. I am strong! I have started eating better and working out my body so that I be healthy again. I have started a health blog, I write in it everyday after every workout. I am feeling better about my self and I feel like my life has a purpose again. I want to start my freelancing art business again. I am drawing almost everyday. From the day that I realized that I can take control of my life by becoming healthy and living again... I feel like I can take on the world. 

I wrote a phrase that I have on my gtalk account for those who are able to chat with me: "Facing today's challenges with a smile on my face" because it's true. Life isn't all sunshine and roses all the time. But, it isn't constantly problematic and chaotic either and that was something that I feared. I feared life. I feared that everyday would be hell. The only way that everyday was going to be hell is because I believed that everyday WAS going to be hell. But if I just believed in myself, I could just walk in and out with a smile on my face. Sure I am not perfect but I don't have to be. Just taking it one day at a time and letting go of the past is what is really important. Not letting everything get to me. Sure things annoy me and always will but I don't have to hang on to them. What's done is done and tomorrow is a new day.  

Anyway, I am rambling a bit... but this is what I have been doing with myself. Fixing my life so that I can enjoy it. And if problems come up I will be facing them with a smile on my face. 

(BTW- Probably going to be posting some art up here pretty soon. As soon as I figure out how to get the art from my tablet into Photoshop on my laptop)

Plan of action

So after much discussion, my husband and I are going to move to California next year. I am dropping out of Ai (the Art Institute) and I am going to go to PCC to take some pre-req classes. I am going to start learning a language (most likely Spanish). I am going to take my knowledge test for my driver's license next week. Which makes me happy, I am FINALLY going to get my license! I am excited! After a year we are going to move to Cali and live there for a year and then hopefully I will get into Fullerton. Fullerton has a really awesome art department and the kind of school pace that I can learn and absorb knowledge instead of cramming it all in like how it is at Ai. I am sure that some people can learn like that but I can't. That was an expensive lesson to learn.
My husband just got a permanent position in his job which will teach him a lot and give really good job experience. The best part is that can will be able to take that job title anywhere. I know after all I have said and all the lessons that I have had to learn, I just feel like this is the right course of action. There is nothing for me here and I was fooling my self thinking that I could stay here and suffer through my education to learn things that I didn't want to learn. I am excited and for the first time in a while I feel really happy.

Where to go from here?

There is always a time, at least once a month, where I feel like I am heading nowhere. I work really hard and at the end of the day I feel like I have nothing to show for it. 

I hate my job, which is something that I have said for years but I don't know how else to get out. However, I do know one way and it was the way I did it before, but that takes planning and time and resources. But it also means freedom. That I would finally be free! Away from this job and this city. I am almost at the point where I say to hell with responsibilities and why not get out of this god awful place. The time for that has passed, since I now have a husband and going to school. But what about breaking free?  What about getting out? I want to break free! I want to get out! 

There have been things that I have been dealing with and things that I have not been dealing with. I am trying to get sorted out at the same time making more of a mess of what I truly want. 

What do I truly want? 

I want... to go to California. I want to go back. There is nothing for me here... and even when I graduate art school I don't feel like it is the right place to be. I think I want to start again in California and make a fresh start. I know I can make it there. I don't want to go to the Art Institute any more and I don't want to go to PNCA. I want to go to Fullerton. Only problem, I need a year of residency in California, which I don't have. I could transfer to the Art Institute down in Santa Monica but same problem, no cheaper tuition. I feel stuck... and I need to be released. 

The job hunting is failing, the longer it takes the worse it is for me at my current job. I don't know what else to do. I am not giving up, I am just not sure if what I am doing is right. The Art Institute isn't right for me and I don't want to go there anymore. However, PNCA isn't really right for me either. I don't know... sometimes I wish I could hit a reset button. I am sure that things would have been different... I just want things to be different now. 

Wish Me Luck!

I am so excited! I have a job interview tomorrow!!!! I know I am going to get it because it is going to be awesome!!!! I can't wait! I am finally going to be free from my horrible job! YAY!!!! Wish me luck everybody!

Animation Awesomeness

I just finished watching A Cat In Paris and it is fantastic! I haven't seen many French animated films but the ones I have seen are really awesome. Such as: Triplets of Belleville, Renaissance, The Illusionist, and Duck Ugly (which is a strange movie but I really loved the animation). A Cat In Paris is a fantastic movie with a unique style. I loved the way that certain characters moved to the point where it was exaggerated but it wasn't out of place. The music was outstanding. It really puts you in the movie. Fantastic film I highly recommend a watch. 

Pixar's Brave

I finally went and saw Brave last night with my husband.

I liked it for the most part but I felt like the story fell short of what Pixar usually delivers. I didn't really feel very attached to the main character and couldn't really get into the story because I knew what was going to happen. I think that it could have been executed a bit better.
Before the movie we were treated with the usual previews. A lot of them were animated, such as "Wreak-it-Ralph" which I want to see and "Hotel Transylvania", "Ice Age: Continental drift" (shudder), and Finding Nemo in 3D. There was even "The Hobbit" trailer. However, the worst trailer was "Monsters University". Which I couldn't believe was real when I saw the article on Cartoon Brew. Pixar has taken a turn for the worst. Which is hard to swallow since I have looked up to them ever since I was little. Toy Story made me decide my career when I was eight years old. However, with every movie company there is a period where they just need to make money, with whatever they can. Like with Cars 2... Which was okay but it was predictable and I am not a fan of Mator as a character. There is going to be a new spin-off in the Cars universe called "Planes".
I am getting off topic here. Brave is a good movie for how simple and flat the story is. I liked the music even though I felt like there could have been more traditional Scottish music instead of pop-ish style songs but, it was no where near as bad as Tangled's songs. The textures are absolutely beautiful and the rendered environments are gorgeous. It felt a little uncanny valley because of how realistic it looked and it kinda took away from what was going on. The fabrics were unbelievably realistic looking. I could tell what materials the characters were wearing. It was pretty incredible all the depth and detail of the renders and environments. The movie was pretty awesome visually.

All and all it wasn't a that bad movie and I am glad that we saw it. I just hope Pixar has some better projects ahead after "Monsters U" and "Planes".

Old becomes new

Wow... This blog is old.

Time for a revamping

*rolls up sleeves*

AND PRESTO!!!

A FRESH NEW LOOK!!!!!

*Ahem*

With that done I can move on to the actual writing on this blog.

A lot has happened since I have been here. Time to write to the internet about it!

There have been somethings that I have had to face in my life recently. While I have been in school, there have been things that have triggered me to back when I was in school. I came to realize that I have some MAJOR social anxiety issues that I have never dealt with. AND that was effecting my school experience, because I am afraid to talk to people and a lot of it steams from when I was growing up, with my parents behavior and my school experiences in general. Which is classic therapist jazz, but it is true. I have been seeing a therapist for a couple months now and it has been helping a lot. But there is a lot that I need to get through still. However, I have been awakened to a new sense of self. It feels good. It feels really nice to actually matter and be my own person. I have taken the quarter off this summer to work through a lot of my anxiety issues among other things I have to do. Such as finding a new job because Shitty Coffee just keeps getting shittier. Also, getting my driver's license finally. So apart from all that crap I want to put my art on this blog and I also have an animation project that I want to work on and these next three months are perfect for that :) Got lots of sketches that I need to get up here. Keepin' you posted internet.