After much thinking... I've realized how stupid this whole thing is.

With no planning involved I forced my self to leave the safety and comfort of my own home. I wanted to get away. Being stuck in one place not going to school as a 20 year old who thinks that her life is going no where would make anyone want to leave the Po-dunk town of Portland. It was too small for me. I almost knew everyone that walked down the street. Just once I would like to be around complete strangers for a while. So I made that vision a reality. I applied to the most expensive art school in the state of California. Of course I didn't realize that it was the most expensive I was just looking at their glorified curriculum and the small class sizes with one on one assistance.

So I was ready to leave and attend this school of awesome learning stuff. What I should have done was demand to see a cost of attendance price list. Because there wasn't one on the website. But no... instead I wanted to leave this piss filled house and the trashy room that I was sharing with my sister. That is what I did.

I left.

And I came to California with very little money and my heart full of hope. I was accepted into one of the best schools for their animation program and that is what I wanted to do. I wanted to endure and become an awesome 3D character animator. I was so set on this dream of mine. Little did I know that my financial aid and my housing situation which I THOUGHT I had under control but they both had their problems... I almost didn't have a place to live for a while. And I ended up dropping out of LCAD anyway because my mother couldn't take out the loan. (My financial adviser at the school couldn't get that through to his head... which was really annoying).

So during these mishaps I began to come to the realization that this whole thing was a dump truck of bad planning all landing on me at once.

Now I am unemployed, I dropped out of school and I signed a five month lease. I need to find work so that I can make rent. Which has been annoyingly difficult. Not many places are hiring in this small town. I am seriously wondering why I wanted to come here so bad... I mean it is smaller than Portland by... well... A LOT! So I am stuck here in this horrible place trying to figure out how to make ends meat. I wish I could break the lease... but I don't want to do that to my roommate and that would screw me over.

Times are hard. I may have to commute to get to work which I kind of have to do anyway. But this is a HUGE commute. In Portland taking the bus was a slight inconvenience but it was doable You could get from point A to point B with no trouble at all. In California however.... they make it nearly IMPOSSIBLE to get from point A to point C. They really push the driving thing. So I couldn't really walk down the street to go to school or whatever... I mean I could... but that is super dangerous in this area. I need a car.

What also sucks is that I don't have a license to drive on yet god dammit.

Luckily I have people how love me and want to help me out as much as they can while I am out on my own. But I feel retarded because of this whole thing. I am nearly out of money, I have no steady work, and I don't have anything to focus my free time.

So after all this I realize that I didn't think this through. My parents aren't going to help me much longer but they have informed me many times that this whole thing could have been avoided if I just planned better.

They were right. I was being stupid and desperate. So now... I am stuck here for five months and it sucks. So mom, dad? you were right. and I am going to call and tell you so. As soon as I get money on my phone. I am going to go cash those checks and do some shopping maybe. I do have that crappy dish washing job today. That will give me a little more cash.

After this whole thing I kind of want to go home to give up on this whole thing and be somewhere where I feel comfortable and safe. But I know that would just make things worse but... I would feel better.

That won't happen though. I am going to make sure of that.