So I realized today that I am wasting my time staying here for five months... I want to come home and prepare my self to go to college in the fall. This time I know how much it is going to cost me ^_- and I know what is in store for me this time round.
Right now I feel like I am just putting off my dream for another FIVE MONTHS and I am tired of it. I want to do what I want to do and I am sick of dicking around trying to see if it will magically happen. It won't ever do that, ever. I have to make this happen for myself. So that is exactly what I am going to do. I want to try and come home next month. In order to do that however I have to talk to my roommate about finding someone to take over the lease. I haven't done that yet because... well... she's not home and I am also worried what she might say. I know that she has had some extreme bad luck with roommates in the past and I don't want to be classified as one of them. Then again... that would be her problem then wouldn't it?
I REALLY DON'T want to screw her out of the rent and I don't want to be evicted. But I want to try to leave as soon as I can. That is why I am thinking about what to do next...
I am getting depressed by staying here. I know it seems like I've done a complete emotional 360 since I was feeling depressed and boxed in back home but I realize now that what I've wanted was right there the whole time.
I wish with all my heart to go home.
I can get my license there and live in a place of my own and save money for a car. I can work off my student loans (which will be mostly covered by the financial aid I will be getting) I don't care if PSU's art department sucks (I do hope the animation department is good though) But if I come home I can take the SAT with out worrying whether or not I would be able arrange to come home to take it and be able to submit the test scores in time for the fall term. Plus I know the area. I can take the bus ANYWHERE! unlike here... but I've been over that already.
I also miss my family, my friends. I hate being far away and NOT living my dreams. It just sucks. And plus this whole thing has been a mess since the very beginning.
Surprisingly though my dad is helping me fix the issue. He has talked me back to down earth and we worked out a plan of action. I just need to act on it.
I have accepted that I have fucked up. I made a huge mistake coming down here. But at the same time... I don't think I would have discovered what I wanted and plus I learned that the school of my dreams wasn't all the it was cracked up to be and I guess that was the important lesson. I guess I like to learn the hard way by experiencing first hand and making my mistakes and learning how to fix them. That is what makes us who we are. By fucking up a lot and learning from what we've done and moving on. Now I just need to do the moving on part...
I am going to talk to her tomorrow. I have to do this... because the sooner this happens the better. I don't really care how it sounds I just want her to know that I am not trying to escape from the lease and I want to find someone else to take my place. It's the only shot I've got to coming home.
I do feel a little bad for my new employers though... I am leaving like not even a month after I get hired... Oh well... that is one less reference that I won't have to put down on my resume. But first I need to find another roommate.
I do know that for me the sooner I leave Laguna Beach the better. This was a nice adventure/ vacation but I think now it is time to return home.
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