Sometimes I wish I was a better writer. That the juicy words could pour out of my orfaces like jell-o on a summer day. Melting into a pool of intelligent sentences and words that make awesome. Then your eyes would drink the pool from the trough like the little pigs you are. Wouldn't that be something children? That I could make such things? But my medium is visual. and so the wishes of being a better writer won't happen... my eye went all twitchy... fucking weird.

Wow I am feeling a stabbing pain in my brain. I am not sure what it is. It feels like a vaporous gas that was pumped directly into my mind. I wonder if it is because of my lack of sleep. I did get up at five yesterday morning. Five fucking morning. mother fucker.

I really should sleep but then my weekend would be wasted. functioning barely. fuck. I want to enjoy my time in this shit hole but it is getting harder with each day that passes me. My home becons me and I can't leave yet. the check IS in the mail bitch! it's not my fault if it doesn't get there on time. because you fucking started it.

I need to get out of here. I am going insane in this white room... this prison... and the only time I get out of here is to go slave away being a little bitch to everybody and dealing with the fucking bullshit that is bullshit and being told that everything I have been doing has been wrong. At LEAST once a fucking day I don't do something right. YOU COULD HAVE TRAINED ME BETTER YOU FUCKERS! I CAN'T WAIT TO LEAVE YOUR SHITHOLE OF A BUSINESS WITH ROACHES CRAWLING ON THE FLOOR AND MOLDY BREAD! I WILL BE FUCKING LAUGHING WITH FUCKING JOY WHEN I FUCKING LEAVE!!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO NOT SEE YOU FUCKS EVER AGAIN!!!!! YOU CAN KISS MY ASS BITCHES! I AM NEVER COMING BACK!!!! NOT EVEN TO FUCKING VISIT UNLESS THE OWNER HAS CHANGED!!!! I AM SO SERIOUS!! YOU CAN SUCK MY FUCKING BALLS BECAUSE IN THREE FUCKING WEEKS I WON'T BE WORKING FOR YOU ASSHOLES ANYMORE!!!! I AM TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE SHIT AND LIKE I AM SUPPOSED TO KNOW EVERYTHING BECAUSE I FUCKING DON'T BITCH AND IT HELPS IF YOU FUCKING TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT!!!! BECAUSE OTHERWISE I WON'T KNOW!!! I CAN'T READ YOUR MIND YOU FUCKING ROBOT!!! I HATE YOUR BUSINESS AND I HATE YOUR CUSTOMERS AND I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THE FUCK AWAY!!! I WILL BE LAUGHING MANICALLY ON THE PLANE WHEN IT TAKES OFF AND THEY WILL HAVE TO DRUG MY PEANUTS TO SHUT ME THE FUCK UP AND I WILL BE SITTING IN A DRUG EUPHORIA AND SMILING BECAUSE I AM AWAY FROM YOU FUCKS!!! I AM ALMOST TEMPTED TO TELL YOUR CUSTOMERS THAT PISS ME OFF TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES BUT I WON'T BECAUSE I HAVE THIS THING CALLED SELF CONTROL AND I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THE REPERCUSSIONS AND I WANT TO LEAVE WITH YOU ALL CRYING IN THE CORNER AND ME LAUGHING ON MY WAY OUT BECAUSE I WILL BE GONE FOREVER!

fucking period.

Making me all hormonal and pissy.

Going to school in the fall. I am going to my state u. to learn'em me something and to edumacation get and receive. going to draw and learn me some nihongo. because I have been wanting to learn it for like five centuries.

I think I am starting to lose consciousnesses...

I really I need to sleep... but I think that either Futuramas or Venture Brothers needs to be watched....

oh... sister coming for a friend's wedding I am excited to hug and then stay up watching cartoons and drinking juiced rockstars because they are delicious. And then we go to the wedding and then we watch more cartoons. She is sharing my room with me. i don't know where she is collapsing for sleep nighties but I'll figure it out. thursday's a coming. it will be two weeks after the wedding then I get to leave this shithole. yes.

fuck you all...

I think i am hungry.

i want potatoes.

then watch cartoons then sleep...

pppppooooottttaaaatttttoooooeeeeessss....

Happy Fucking Easter.

I have been having weird dreams that I don't remember.
But in the back of my mind they are there.
As I think and try so hard to recall what it was that I dreamt.
I sometimes wonder if it will open the door to what I have been searching for.
The key to the human mind.
The inner psyche.
Open the door.
But what is the key?
what is the key?
the key.

And that was me being poetic this morning.

It's Easter Sunday and I don't care. But if I get free chocolates then it is good enough for me I guess. I don't believe in god. And so I don't believe that his son died for "my sins" because comparatively he would have to do a hell of a lot more then just dying these days because of all the "sin" today. I don't think that just being tortured and dying and getting up three days later is enough. Sorry. I just don't. I guess he was ridiculed too on his way to die but that is only being humiliated. I don't think that would cover for every body's "sins". There is just too much and they must have had some high expectations of Jesus in order to believe that his death could cover all the sins of every human being. I can't believe the stupidity of some people.

People have taken the "bible" WAAAAYYYY too seriously for too long. Really all the book is is stories that people have made up to better themselves as humans. But people have been blindly trying to follow all that the bible says and that is just impossible. If you think about it the bible is divided into books and chapters. So really what people are reading is like a big book of "Grimm's Fairy Tales" But they take it so literally that people refuse to think for them selves. I bet the original writer of the bible wouldn't say that it was a holy book that was bestowed on him from a higher power (well I think that he would say that later... ). I bet it was because he saw all the corruption and hate and lies that he wanted to write something that was meaningful to people. Something that would inspire them to want to go out an be good human beings. To live peacefully. But it also seems to me that the book was not just written by this one person. I think over the years it was added to and made larger by different writers who had their own theories on the world and how it was created. I mean what is better to listen to?
A god who created the earth?
Or the evolution of man?

Creation stories about gods creating the earth have been around since civilizations began. So why not? I mean the evolution theory probably sounded more like fiction then a god creating the earth.
Science has mostly proved otherwise. But that was only because they questioned the theory of creation.

I find it slightly interesting that this book in particular people follow so closely. There ARE other books with morels to them too. But just because there isn't the word "god" in them they are they are just stories. I am glad that people are taking the stories to heart but I think that a lot of people are just too extreme.

No, I don't like you preaching to me about god. I don't like you when you come into my workplace or knocking on my door at home and give me a letter about Jesus Christ writing to me about him dying for my sins when I know damn well that either you or your pastor who wrote this on the computer and xeroxed a bunch of copies to hand out to people.

I don't like it when you push your beliefs on me.

So back the fuck off.

I don't believe in god or his son. I don't believe that he really existed since no one has really proved that anyway. I think that if there was a Jesus... and he did die. I think that before his followers came to check on him someone stole his body and buried him somewhere. Because he didn't appear in front of his followers again when they came for him. They just assumed that he resurrected. That what is called a writer's creative licence. I don't think that Jesus was a real person. I think that this whole thing was just a story. Which brings me back to my previous argument that the bible is nothing more then a bunch of stories written by some clever writers and people have taken it way to literally.

Like the whole Mary getting pregnant with out sex thing... It is impossible to have a baby with out getting inseminated with sperm. Seriously. I mean come on. They just lied about having sex... I mean DID a doctor even CHECK if she was a virgin? no. In the story it pretty much is about when Mary is in her last month and is about to have the baby and they had no place to go. I think that they did fuck. But again... creative license. Who would want to believe that the son of god came out of someone who WASN'T a virgin. That wouldn't sound as good. Also they were looking for a place to stay because they were running away since they had sex when they weren't supposed to. Oops.

I didn't mean to run off on a tangent there but I don't like people pushing they're religion on me. Since I don't believe in such things. I have been through a lot with religion and I don't want to fight with people about it. I just think it's stupid and that people should leave me alone about it. It's fine. Go believe in your stories. If they make you a better person then sure go right ahead but just get away from me. I don't want to hear about how I should go to church because I am sinner. It is truly impossible to live by all those high expectations in the bible. Not all of them were meant to be taken as laws to live by heart. Only some of them. Take what you want to live by as you, a person not as the whole goddamn book. And that is what a lot people never seemed to understand.

Also the bible is not a law book. It is not the law. We don't uphold it and we don't use it as judgment guide in our courts. So if two gay people want to get married that is their choice. It was bullshit that the bible was brought into it. And marriage has never been "sacred". A lot of things happen behind closed doors that I wouldn't call "scared" in fact I would call it hell or murder or abused or angry. Really it is just a legal way to become a apart of someone else's life for as long as they live... or when they get sick of each other. Not all people are unhappily married so I am glad for them. I think that people got so hyped up this gay marriage thing that their bibles had to be waved into the air and said that was a volition of the good book. When really that shouldn't have had any effect on what the pollations verdict was. But... as any god fearing citizen would have done they let the bible into the argument. Which it shouldn't have been there in the first place. There is a line... and that is called church and state and the motherfuckers keep wanting to cross back and forth over that line.

Geez. I was ranting again.

I don't like the thought of some Omnipotent being watching me and what ever I do. but you know what I say to that *gives the bird to the sky*. Well then god getting quite a show. Although I think it is also impossible that he is watching all the billions of people in the world. Since that doesn't make sense but if he wants to watch me then go right a fucking head mother fucker. I don't care.
Yes I have "sinned" and I will continue to "sin" until the day I die. Where is the fun in being good all the time anyway?

So all you fuckers who want to preach to me can back the fuck off because I don't want to hear it. If this crazy fucked up religion works for you then great. But I am happier just knowing that I am different and that I am not like you blindly following the Shepard like the sheep you are. I have strayed from the path long ago and I have discovered great things about my self and I believe that I am starting to become who I want to be without god. And it will be without god until the day I die.

Happy Fucking Easter.

Oh and 27 days.

Okay... so everything is all good now...

I decided to let my roommate know what the fuck was going on. And it was fine. She was totally understanding and wishes that she could leave too actually. Which is ironic since it seems like everyone wants to get out of Laguna Beach... I guess it's not just me... Well anyway I am glad that is fucking over with. All that is left is to make sure the bills are paid and I am good to go.

I even gave my boss my mailing address for my W-2 forms so that when she is done with that she will mail them to my dad's house. Yay! everything is going good. I actually had an awesome day today. I think it's good that I got all the "telling people who I am afraid to tell that I am leaving thing" off my chest and now there really isn't anything for me to worry about. I am feeling so awesome and tired right now... I am so sleepy. Jesus.

I am going home! :P!

33 days!

I have almost a month until I get to leave this hellhole.

The days are going by quickly. Which is actually good because I don't want to stay here much longer.

My plans have been slightly foiled in regards to telling my boss about me leaving... My co-workers spilled the beans and now she knows. I was going to give her two weeks notice before I was going to leave like I was supposed to. But actually as it turns out she wanted to go to Korea before I leave. If she did that before I gave my notice that wouldn't have turned out good... for everybody... But at this point I am leaving because I bought my ticket. It doesn't sound like she is going to fire me since she seems to be trying to figure out when she can leave. I can't stay because I bought my ticket and I am not trading it in and I am not staying any longer. But I am glad that I am not going to be fired.

I am not going to be guilt tripped into staying because I am going home. I am still going to give her my notice. I do kind of hope that she does get to go for two weeks. If she leaves like in a few weeks or so she will be able to go. We were even discussing that it would just be my other two co-workers and I. We work well together and we are able to get things done. We might even get rid of the part-timers. I don't know about that though.

All who is left to tell now is my roommate. I think after I get my first April paycheck I'll write a check for the aprox. Utilities amount and I will tell her and her mother that I am going home and that the leasing office will know what is going on and I just want to cooperate so that I can just go home without any problems. I mean really there shouldn't be any problems. If I let the leasing office know that I am leaving... first and last month is paid and I am paying for the utilities then there really shouldn't be any problems.

I just want to come home and I am excited that I am coming home. I really don't have much longer. Since this check I am paying for March's Utilities and Aprils rent. So I am almost set to go. Maybe if I make enough tip money I'll just send a check earlier or something. Then tell my roommate then.

I am almost there... I just need to focus...

oh yeah and...

34 DAYS!!!!

It seems like the days are going by faster now that I've bought my ticket out of this hell hole. Which is good actually because the sooner I get out of here the better.

I have been trying to take my aunt's advice and to try and enjoy my time here... It's kind of hard when there is nothing to do.

Although right now I am sitting outside enjoying the sun and the nice spring wind on the only chair that my roommate owns... Not including the two stools , a futon (which is my bed) a mattress and the couch. If she walks in now I wonder if she would be pissed off that I am out here with the chair... I actually want to go swimming but it's not quite warm enough and the pool isn't heated. Which is lame. I am paying 800.00 (including utilities) for an apartment that doesn't have two fucking bedrooms and the pool isn't heated.

WOAH!!!! I JUST FOUND OUT HOW TO DO SYMBOLS ON THIS COMPUTER!!!! That is SO cool! who knew that the alt button plus whatever letter equaled whatever symbol. (I am not a mac user normally so this a foreign operating system to me.)

And Rammstein is awesome. Seriously rockin'

It's kind of nice that I have some more music on my computer so that my iTunes doesn't keep playing the same band that I have the discography for like three hours. So it is nice and random... most of the time... I would still like to put more on here so that I have a variety of music.

I really miss my scanner...

I can't wait to use it again. I have so much artwork that I have done that I want to play with on photoshop :P.

Oh!

45 days!

Okay it is fucking official!

I bought my plane ticket yesterday!!!!

I am confirmed for flying home on the 19th of April!!!!

OH! I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!

47 days from now I will be outta here and I will be safe and sound at home.

I can't wait!!!!

more zombie like dreams infecting my mind... geez...

I had a really weird dream...

I was in this house that reminded me of my dad's but the house itself was built ON a hill... like they didn't level the land or anything for the house to sit on... they just built the house on the hill... and the door to the sidewalk (yes this was in the city) was kind of like a back door almost... it was an open space like where you would put dirty shoes and gardening equipment if you were so inclined. The door itself had a window in it as well as two large windows on either side. Everybody in the house knew that something was going down. Especially me. I was trying to get all the doors locked and secure. We figured that if the doors were at least locked we would be safe. I watched all these people pass by like a mob. Moving fast. I knew that the infection would soon activate their mass aggression. So that is why we were all preparing ourselves.
I was calling my family and telling them to lock their doors and to make sure that any other entrances were locked. and to beware of those that might be susceptible to the infection...

This infection was kind of like in 28 days later where people would become extremely aggressive. But actually... it was different because instead of being mindless... they would talk and speak to you. Which was slightly more frightening. I watched as the infection struck them all at the same time and then the mob was running down the street. Some of them noticed me by the window and ran at the door. I realized then that I didn't lock that door that I was standing next to... I hurriedly pushed on the door to lock it but it didn't work... the two infected people burst through and I called to the people behind me to help me. I kept saying HELP ME!!! HELP ME!!!! and they all just stood there staring at me... no one helped me. then someone was shaving William Shatner's head and talking about... something... I don't recall what it was... but his head was huge!

I actually woke up at some point and I consciously didn't want to go back to sleep because of this dream. I haven't done that in years... But I realized that it was 6:30 in the morning and I reluctantly went back to sleep.

There was another part of the dream... where I had my kitty and was taking him from the Mitchell Court house (which is where I lived for a short time) and my best friend (whom I haven't seen or spoken too in a long time...) showed up in a huge ass SUV style car that was either bright orange or pink (I don't remember which) and asked me if I needed a ride and I said "yeah" so I put my cat in the back of the car and he immediately pissed on something. So we put blankets all around the car so that it wouldn't soak through... if he happened to pee elsewhere. She took me to my mom's apartment and dropped me off and me and my kitty were in my mom's apartment and then I remembered that I would be in huge trouble because my stepdad was allergic to cats! (which isn't true...) I don't remember what happened after that...

I looked up the part where I was helpless. It says that I am feeling like that in real life. Part of that I believe is true. I would say that I have felt helpless a few times and frusterated that I am not home right now. But I don't think that I am helpless about not doing anything about it because I am... I am trying to go home and after tomorrow everything will be official. Since I will have my ticket bought and paid for.

The fact that I had ANOTHER zombie like dream is kind of discerning... But these "zombies" were different than they were in the other dream... I think that they represented the customers that I have to deal with everyday... The angry violent people that I have to deal with... and I was helpless after they broke through my defense... the door... I think there is something that I haven't dealt with... but what that is... I have no idea. I just want to go home! And that is all I want to do at this point. I don't want to see anybody. I don't want to hang out with people I just want to go home and see and hang out with my friends.

Oh by the way...

48 days!

49 days!!!!

That sounds so much better then fifty or so days....

I have been thinking about how I would be making this work and I think I came up with a good solution...

After I buy my plane ticket and when the time gets closer to when I have to leave I will send my roommate's mom the check for the utilities and just say if there is any outstanding balance to send me the bill and I'll send the rest of the money. Then to tell my roommate when I am going home and to tell her that I sent her mother a check for the utilities and she should be getting it in a couple of days and if she still wants me to pay for May's utilities that is fine... but I really need to go home. I would then tell her that I let the leasing office know and that it should be okay. May's rent is already paid for and I should be able to do this... That way her mom will get the check and it will be good and then I will go home! I can't fucking wait!

Plus if I leave on the 19th everything will just be better... I think. If the price of the ticket does go up I will still pay for it... I am fucking leaving on the fucking 19th of April. I would prefer if the price didn't change too much... I mean really I can't see it going up in the next couple of days... it just doesn't seem likely to me... but you never know I guess...

So here is the plan:

I quit my shitty job on the 16th of April
I pack all my shit the 17th-18th
and I get up early and I call for the taxi to come and pick my ass up at 7am and I get to the airport and hop on the plane home on the 19th!

That way I won't have to worry about money and food for ten days. Also since there is nothing to do here then I would just stay in the apartment not doing ANYTHING!

I know I keep repeating my self in these entries but seriously I just want to emphasize that I want to get out of here. And when there would be nothing to do then... what would be the point?

So on day 47 I am going to buy my plane ticket! Also I am going to submit my PSU application... since I have no fucking money in my bank account then I can't fucking buy anything... Which is weird because I thought that credit takes a few days to process so that I would be in the clear... But whatever... I guess this is just my patience lesson. So I am going to be patient... Which is kind of hard when I have a such a strong desire to leave.

I can't buy my ticket since I have no money in my bank account. Which is weird because I used to be able to do that where I could buy something on credit and it would take a few days to process... I figured if it let me buy it now I would have enough time to put the money in my bank account on Tuesday when I got paid. But apparently not... I guess... Has technology advanced that far so that I can't do something like that anymore... I wonder...

Do I have to have a credit card??? Because I canceled mine... fuck... If I do have to have a credit card I am so boned...

IT'S MARCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not much longer now.

YAY!

I am so excited. I am going home soon.
I can't wait to take that plane out of here!

Although I still haven't told my roommate about all this... and I am trying to think of what to say... I mean I don't want her to think that I am running out on her since I'm not really. The rent is paid for for May... and I am letting the leasing office know that I am leaving. And I will be paying for April's utilities so really it is not like I am leaving with out paying anything. I get the feeling that the best way to do this is just to tell her the truth. For me to tell her that I am leaving in late April because I really need to come home since that is where I want to be right now. I want to see my friends, family and kitty again... I am not doing what I want to do right now and it is WAAAAYYY to expensive to live here. I won't leave her with out paying the utilities. If she wants me to help pay for May's utilities that's fine but really I need to go home.

I think she knows some of what is going on since I have talked about it over the phone with my family while she was in the next room several times...

I just don't think I am going to tell her right away. I'll let her know towards the end of March. I am pretty sure that my plans are going to be pretty solid by then. Since I will have my plane ticket and everything mostly set in place.

I think I will also feel more solid about my plans as soon as I buy my plane ticket. I really want to buy it today but I just don't have the cash for it right now. I could buy it like tomorrow or monday since I get paid on tuesday.... I guess...

ARGH!!!

I am really bored!

there is nothing to do in this shity town and I don't want to leave the apartment because there is nothing to do... I don't want to go to the gym and it is too cold to swim right now. I want to do like fifty things at once but I can't because either I don't have what I want to do or what I want to watch... or I've done everything like a billion times! I am going insane in this tiny white room and I don't know what to do about it. It really should have pads on the walls or something.

Also I am frustrated with not being where I want to be right now... I am feeling like I did in Portland... except that I can't leave whenever I want...

WOW!

Just now I found an even EARLIER flight for the same price.... and I still won't have to transfer planes! I have to figure out if I will be able to do it or not.

I might be able to... I would just have to let my roommate when I am leaving and tell her that I am still going to pay for April's Utilities... If I could leave earlier that would be so awesome! It would be three days after I quit the Coffee Pub... that way I won't have to spend ten days figuring out how I am going to feed my self and trying to find things to do... because if I am bored now I will be TEN TIMES more bored by that time! I am just going to have to convince my roommate somehow that this is going to work out...

I sware to the gods above I would give... anything... to be able to go home.

I think the 19th is a good date. It would be a little bit before I have to pay the utilities... I just have to figure out how it will sound since I want to make sure that I pay for what I need to pay for and make it seem like I am not trying to run away from my responsibility.

ARRGHHHH!!!! I just want to come home... fucking responsibility and being an adult. god damn it.

I am going to talk to my mom first before I buy the ticket however... She may have some good advice for what to do.