I can't believe that it is almost Christmas!

This past few months feel very surreal to me for some reason... I am not sure why. But sometimes I feel as though I am in a dream... but a dream that I am happy to not wake up from. My life feels like it is finally in place where I can adjust my self around my working and my social life. It is kind of nice (if not sometimes inconvenient but that can't be helped) that my current friends have jobs. That kind of responsibility that each of us take a part of is really helps us relate to each other. And gives a stability to each of our lives. What sucks is that we work minimum wage and slave away everyday. But the way I see it is that we slave each day to get one step closer to what we really want to do. Chipping away to get to our major goal. Which is; for me, to be a character animator. I know that I will make it there someday.

I have always been a late bloomer with such things. Which can sometimes be a bad thing but I know that someday in my future that I will make it there. I know that the road will be hard. I know how hard it is to make it in this world. But I feel like I have gotten several keys that will help me get ahead of the game. Which is just the same advice that I have heard all my life but it is this advice that has worked! And the reason it is so often repeated is because it works. I understand what needs to be done.

It's just the doing that needs to be executed. I have thought of alternatives. Such as doing some freelance Illustrations on the side until I get noticed as a animator. But I have a little ways to go until that happens.

But I do have some priorities and the first of those is:

Getting my driver's License! that is a must. I am sick of not being able to drive. It is driving me crazy not being able to drive (yes... I know it is a bad pun. But it is true!) I want to get it BEFORE the summer. So that I can drive up to PAX this year. I might not have my own car by then but at least I will be able to trade off with someone. And I have driven up that way before. So I have PLENTY of time to do that. I just need some more practice and get it done. I guess I am going to call it a New Year's Resolution and make it official.

Wow... did I get off on a tangent...

Well anyway. I just wanted to say that I feel as though my life is finally headed in the right direction and I am excited about it. I am starting to make something of myself even though it has taken me forever to get this far. But I feel like I am going to make it.

So I want to say Happy Holidays to everyone!

Have a Merry Christmas.

(Also I recommend reading Charles Dickens Christmas Carol. It is an awesome story! I have been reading a chapter a night before I go to bed. I forgot how good of a writer that Dicken's is. He is awesome! Anyway have a Happy Holiday!)

So I had a good Thanksgiving. It was my first Thanksgiving hosting the event. It went over very well. The turkey came out absolutely perfect... I mean it looked like a Betty Crocker turkey and it tasted absolutely wonderful. The meat was so moist and tender. There really wasn't much to save because it went so quickly. It was really nice to have my family over.

In light of recent events I am glad that about the way things turned out.

I am sleepy. Goodnight.

Fuck it's Midnight!

I am up waaaaayyyy too late! I am going to be soooo tired tomorrow.

But I just wanted to say this...

I have been stupid. But as we all know... it only takes trial and error to figure these things out. There are certain people that I have let go... not intentionally but certain influences have made this to be the outcome. And I feel bad for that. I didn't want that to happen. But I am going to fix it. I am planning on rectifying my mistakes and I am going to make the effort to be a better friend to those that I have turned my back on.

And I know that sometimes that life happens and that sometimes people loose touch with each other. But I feel as though that this has happened because I have been unintentionally ignoring some people that I really care about.

I know that saying I am sorry here isn't going to change anything. But I am going to make it known that I am going to try my fucking hardest to be a better friend.

So... yeah...

I just had to say that. I know that I wasn't direct. But this is just a journal point in my life. I know what needs to be done. I am just preserving the moment here. Immortalizing it on the internet. (as immortal as the internet can be at this point).

Also on another note

There is something that needs to be dug back up.

But I am honestly not sure of what the reaction will be... and I don't know if I am quite ready for that yet but I do know that it is coming. I am just hoping that the feeling is mutual and is not going to blow up in my face and retaliate.

So... be ready... because that day is coming.

So... the two afternoon co-workers of mine quit. So... me and another co-worker have to cover for them. I am pissed off. I mean they are great people and I know that they wanted to quit for a while... but... the timing SUCKS!

A few days earlier I asked my boss to move me to another store. One that I have been trying to get at since I came back to Portland. Since I am familiar and comfortable there. I am not sure if them quitting screws my chance going there or not. I don't think so but you never know with my boss. But one thing is certain and that is I am not sure what is going to happen. I don't know who is going to stay for the afternoons next week. I know that one of my co-workers could do it... but there needs to be someone else there too... that might be me... and working five days of 12 hour shifts is going to suck major ass and I will be cranky by Wednesday. I am sure that my boss can find some one to fill in... I am training someone next week for my shift. But it looks like I am going to have to be downtown a little longer. Which I actually expected to be there for a little while longer. But still... god damn it.

Nice timing guys... Nice fucking timing!

So the cops came to the apartment building AGAIN! To deal with some white trash bullshit... I swear I was living back in my old place where you would think that there would be this kind of crap all the time but I had less trouble there. Go figure.

This is like the third time this month that the cops have shown up.

There might be a risk of me having to look for a new place to live because the owners might get tired of all the bullshit and just give us all thirty days to get out.

yesh...

wow... it is eight days until my birthday...

crazy.

Soon I will be 21. On 8 18 08.

I am kind of excited. I am going to be legal enough to get a drink at a restaurant... finally.

But I think I am going to have a low key kind of party. I am going to invite a bunch of people over to my house on the Saturday after my birthday and we will probably drink and play video games and watch movies on my tiny TV. I am thinking of getting a bigger TV... because my little 14" is just too small for my place... I am not sure what I am going to do with it after I get my new one. I am sure my sister would like it. Since she can plug her games into it. I think that is a good idea... I am going to go plan and plot now... and eat lunch... mmm.... lunch.

So I have been thinking...

And in these thoughts I have been wondering about traveling.

And the place that I would like to travel to would be Japan.

I have been wanting to go there for a long time now and I would really love to be in another country again.

So since these thought processes have led me here I have been pondering.

I would like to go next summer. If that would be possible. The trick would be getting the money together. But I would like to have at LEAST one year of Japanese under my belt before doing so. Now I have a goal. To make my self take Japanese 101 for a whole school year and then that summer go to Japan and play around there for a few weeks. I am thinking about doing a school group travel abroad thing. I believe that the rates would be cheaper if I did it that way. I have to check on that but I am pretty sure that I could get some scholarships to help me out with some of the cost. Being that it is a college thing.

But it needs researching and planning so... we shall have to see about that.

Oh by the way we got the cat safely back to his owners. We are good people ^__^.

In an awkward voice:

there is much about this life that I do not understand or will not EVER understand. I have grown to accept that. I know that there are mysteries that my life time will never reveal to me. I don't want to know. I DON'T... WANT... TO... KNOW....

There are mysteries that I don't want to be apart of. I don't want to know what sleeps in the eternal darkness. I don't want to see the demons of the night crawling from the shadows upon the walls. I don't want to HEAR those FUCKING VOICES in my head. Scritching and scratching upon my brain with they're chattering. But... I feel it... I hear it... I fucking smell it....

there is something that sleeps inside of me. I can feel it growing inside my chest. Infecting my body with it's poison as it spreads through me. There is someone there. I know it is not me. It trys to push me out of my head so that it can sit there in MY brain and control MY body. I try so hard to lock it away. But I am getting weaker each time I try to stop it. One of these days.... it is going to win.

And that day is coming.

a possible comic idea?

We shall see...

So things have just gotten weirder...

It all starts yesterday... when my sister and I were walking to her house from 33rd and Hawthorne and this little black kitty came up to us. So we petted it and turned to leave. It bounded in front of us and proceeded to follow us to my father's house. Which is on 13th. So this little cat followed us from SE 33rd and Main to 13th and Taylor. When we got to my dad's house we were trying to figure out what to do. It was obviously lost and confused. The cat was surprisingly clean and well fed so... we thought that he came from a nice home. But he doesn't have a collar and we are not sure if he is microchiped or not. He looks to be about one year old and he is the sweetest kitty that I have ever met.

So we've been putting up ad's on the internet and we will be making flyers this weekend and putting those up around where we found him. But so far it has been no luck. And we found out that his name is Toby because he looks at whomever calls him and meows. We don't get any vocal response with any other name. His name COULD be similar to Toby but he looks like a Toby. So that is what I've been calling him. He slept with me on my bed the whole night up until the time I had to go to work. I love this kitty. But I would feel bad for just keeping him... but we are doing all we can so that he can go back to his family.

Because the right thing to do sometimes hurts because it is hard to give back something that you care about. I think that the right thing to do sucks but I am sure that this kitty came from a really nice family and it would be a good thing to give him back to his home.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls... it tolls for thee

Wow it's been a while...

But I just got my internet set up yesterday. Which is good because I have been sick and tired of not having it. It is just too difficult in this day and age to not have access to the internet.

Living with out it was a pain in the ass. It's nice to be connected to the world again.

Anyway...

Not much to say except I have been working... A fucking lot. I am tired but I need the hours to make the money I need to keep me living here in my apartment. With internet... because this bill is going to be super expensive since I had to buy the modem for my internet. I thought that would be easier than buying it. So yeah. I am going to have to figure out how I am going to do school along with work. But I am sure that it will work out.

So on a sadder note

My grandfather is dying.

I saw him yesterday...

Lets just say that I do not like watching people die.

I saw him fading.

I touched his skin and it was so cold.

I knew that he was close but for some reason he is holding on to this world.

We only WISH we knew what or who he was waiting for.

But we don't know. So...

I am not close to this relative because he was a difficult person to be around. He was mean. He said some insulting things. And he had this air of hate that made you want to have your bones broken than to be around him. So I won't be sad when he is gone.

But...

I can't watch people fade.

Because it is such a hard thing to watch.

The first time I dealt with a relative dying was my grandfather on my father's side. I walked into the room and I remember seeing my grandfather in the hospital bed and I saw him. Lying there. Growing colder. The light was slowly going out. I knew that he was dying. But I couldn't watch it. I couldn't take his hand and tell him that it was alright. In fact I remember that I wanted to leave that room as fast as I could. I felt like I would be lying if I said that everything would be alright because it wouldn't be. I wouldn't see my grandfather again. So when my parents forced me to take his hand I tried so hard to choke back my tears. It was really hard. I never said that I wanted death to be easy but it is really hard for me. Since I am very empathic. I knew that he was in a lot of pain. And I knew that he wouldn't be long. But I couldn't see my grandfather, whom I loved dearly like that.

My other relative was my great grandmother on my mother's side. I couldn't say goodbye to her either. I didn't necessarily have an attachment to her but seeing her like that made me want to cry.

So now it is the third time around... and now it is the other grandfather. I knew that he is in a lot of pain and I could see it. He looked into my eyes, almost like he was looking for me to help him. Or to say that he was sorry for when I was younger. I know that he is sorry. But I couldn't look at him. He was going... he was so close that the already dark room cast a gloomy shadow around him. The only light was the light from the door and his small fading light. I knew that the grim reaper would be soon appearing and taking my grandfather.

Death it's self doesn't bother me. I know that might sound contradictory but being around a dead body does not bother me. I mean... I went to see a cadaver in high school... If it was anything that got me it was that smell that they preserved the body in. But that was minor the body it's self I was okay with.

But when someone is dying... they look to you for help. Especially when they are in a lot of pain. They look at you like you are going to help release them from this world and guide them to the next. I can feel they're pain. And I feel they're sadness and I can feel they're fear. It overloads me and I can't be around it. So that is why I left the room with tears in my eyes. And my aunt held me while I cried outside the room.

Well now that my aunt from Chicago is back in town again maybe he will finally move on. Because there is only so long that you can stay here. Eventually death has to come. For each one of us. I don't fear it. Because I know that some time the bell will ring for me and it will be my time. I just hope that I live a fulfilling life and have no regrets about how my life turned out. I hope I grow old and I have children that won't put me in a home like that. Since that is where people go to die. That would be my last request.

I think that is all I can write. I am kind of glad that I could process this. I am going to go sleep now. Goodnight.

So... yeah...

My mother and my step-dad got their kitten. We thought it was a girl but as it turns out... well... she is actually a he. So instead of Penelope we renamed him to Gizmo. Which he seems to be responding better to. My mother is a little disappointed that he is not a she but the little speed demon kind of grows on ya. I love him. He is spunky and outrageous little one and acts just like a kitten should. He plays with literally everything insight including his own tail. Which is cute to watch him attack his own tail.

That is all I can write for now. I have to head for stupid work. Hopefully I'll write more later when I am feeling up to it. But for now I really have to get going! Chao!

durf. really. durf.

I am thinking about building a portfolio website.

I am also thinking of starting some freelance work. Just for the experience.

...

and extra cash.

yes I am in it for the money.

I mean what do you expect? Come on. I am a starving artist here!

Well anyway. Yeah. A portfolio website. I tried learning HTML once and I am not to keen on it and I don't really want to try again. I don't really want to spend any money on making a website or pay someone to do it for me. ... I'd rather do it with as little fund usage as possible.

I also need to get my scanner working. I also need to pack up my shit so that I can move it to my new apartment. My sister has the cable somewhere in her piles of things. I just hope that I can find it.

I also need to go through my crap because I am sure that not all of it will be able to fit in my new place. In fact I am pretty fucking sure. Well... either I am going to sell it or give it to the goodwill. I am sure that someone else can get some use out of my crap.

whelp... I am going to bed now. more on my interesting life and escapades later.

be sure to tune in next time for more danger and adventures!

Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Wow.

Good things are in motion and I am happy.

It looks like I am moving in to my apartment on the first of June.

I am so excited! I bought pretty much my first apartment tools at the dollar tree today. I know what you're thinking. But I got all my kitchen utensils for only a dollar there. Which is better then going anywhere else and paying two bucks for a plastic spatula. So I think I got a good deal. I didn't get any knives there however because I am waiting until someone else gets me a small set. I am also getting some free furniture. Like My aunt is giving me a chair that she says she never uses. I also have several bookshelves and my mother is gifting me one of her rugs. My mom also bought me a shower curtain! YAY! Anyway. I pretty much have everything for my new apartment. Except for knives, a couch, a table and chairs. I am so ready for my new apartment.

But the main point in all this is because I am going to be having a house warming party after the first. I was thinking of the weekend after next but I am not too sure because I might be working the Rose Parade. So if I am it will have to be the NEXT weekend. Which will be the 14th of June. Honestly that will be better because I will have moved and settled in by then. Also that gives everyone enough notice to come. I am really excited.

I am slightly burned on one half of my body...

Only because we went swimming in a lake today. We had a long round-about adventure but it turned out that I got to swim in a lake and canoe on a log until I capsized. But at least I had a good time. We are going to go back to that lake sometime this summer again. It's a nice place. The other people there were very mellow and we left when the circus elephants (the fat white people who couldn't resist the temptation of talking on they're cell phones) arrived.

I am going to hurt in the morning.

It looks like I am going to get the apartment that I want. The landlady was a little concerned about me not making a lot of money but my step-dad talked her into giving me a chance. I mean at the amount that I am making now I will barely be able to scrape by for the first couple months. I would be solely living off of tip money while my paycheck would be going to rent and the electrics. But I could do it. I've done it before. And with the extra money that I had saved in California (I am so glad I saved that money!) I would be a little ahead for each rent check. But I think that I can do this. I won't have any luxuries for a while but I gotta take the good with the bad. At least I will have a place to call my own!

I can't wait to have my house warming party! I am not sure when I am going to have it but I am excited for it anyway. I can't believe I am going to have my own place to live and not live in my parent's house! I am going to be independent and live on my own! I have almost everything for my kitchen. I have plates, cups, silverware, pots and pans! All I need now are a small set of knives to start me out with and then I am set! I even have TWO sets of cookware. I am thinking of selling one of the sets to help me out with the rent. But... we'll see...

I am thinking of a second job however. For the afternoons and the summer time. So that I can get a little ahead for school and put some money away for other things like emergencies. But we'll see... I know that the summer jobs go pretty fast because of the college kids who need work for the summer. Hopefully I'll get lucky and work somewhere easy where I could just slide right in during the summer and mosey out for the fall.

The apartment it's self is really nice. I have named it "The Loft" because it is on the second floor and it... well... looks like a loft. It's got two really big front windows with a beautiful view, a new kitchen sink, new counter tops, the stove is going to be fixed and the carpet's cleaned. *sigh* It's going to be my new home. It's also going to be nice and warm for the winter... the way the sun 'll hit it in the afternoon so I won't have to turn on the heat so much is going to be awesome.

I might have to buy internet though... I am not sure if I can get internet up there. I've been lucky to get it for free here in the room that I am currently residing in but I am not too sure about the reception in "the Loft"... we shall have to see.

I also might have a kitten! My mom and step-dad are thinking about getting a kitten! One of our neighbors has a friend who's kitty had a litter of kittens! There are two females and one male and they are all gray. I've never had a gray kitten before! We decided that we want a female kitten because they are easier to potty train and they won't mark their territory all over the walls. Mom and I decided what we want to name her; we want to call her "Penelope" and "Penny" for short. I can just imagine her. With a little pink collar and a heart name tag. Aw... she would be so CUTE! My mom is sometimes allergic to cats (it really depends on how bad their dander is) so she might have to give the kitten to me if she can't handle it. Which would be awesome because I would love little Penelope! I love kittens! And I love kittens when they grow up too! Because kitties are great pets. Sometimes they climb all over your stuff and roll about in your clean laundry but I love them!

Well I am excited. I am hoping that the things for the apartment get finalized soon so that I can move in by the first. Then I will be sure to tell everyone about my housewarming party! I can't wait!

again with the violence...

My time here at home has been an interesting one. Living with my parents has made me want to move out sooner. I love my mom but I think I would like my own space to decorate and call my own. It looks like that will actually happen for me next month. That makes me happy.

I have been going through some interesting emotions lately. Not necessarily bad just... there. And I feel them. But I try to be optimistic about my life. I dislike my job but it's not all that bad. Even when all the crazies appear.

Tomorrow will be interesting and intense because there will be about 30 some teenagers that are coming for shakes and lattes. We only have one blender. Luckily there will be four of us. Two on the bar and two on each register. I am glad we got a warning... it would have been unfortunate if they all came out of nowhere. Which has been known to happen. I am glad that some people are courteous.

But what should make tomorrow more interesting is that I seemed to have gained my repetitive stress in my arm and shoulder again. My arm actually swelled up. yeah. I put ice on it. The swelling seems to have gone down some but I can't extend it all the way again. Unfortunately I know what a doctor will say. They will say that I need to be off my arm for awhile to wear a freaking elbow cast. It is almost impossible to pull shots with my left hand. It's hard when your dominant hand/arm doesn't function as it usually does.

I am going to still use my sore arm for tomorrow. Since we have that huge order to crank out. I don't know when the shit storm is coming but hopefully it will be after the big morning rush. *crosses fingers*.

Whelp. I better get me some sleep because I am tired and I have to get up early tomorrow.

Have a scientatstic day, everyone.

So... I am home.

And I am having a good time here.

Besides working. I really hate my job right now. My old boss hired me back and everything. I am currently working at the downtown location and... well... I really hate it. I have no reason to hate it besides the fact that downtown is super creepy and that it sucks being there.

I do like getting off early and my co-workers are nice but I just don't like my job. I am kind of looking for another one but I am not sure I want to be the "new girl" again and have to relearn where everything goes and all that crap. I guess I am just tired of food service and I am sick of dealing with crazy people. Which come in more frequently downtown then anywhere else I have worked. Even Meier and Frank had less crazy people and there were A LOT of crazy people.

I feel like the new girl here. I know that I have worked with this company before but I feel like I have to relearn everything. So I feel anxious and paranoid that I'll do something wrong. And I hate feeling that way. I always need something to get my mind off of such things. That's one of the reasons why I play video games and watch movies. It's because I don't want to think about work. I know that is escaping but I just don't like being in the moment all the time.

My job is easy. Dealing with the crazy people is hard. And I don't want to do it.

here it is ladies and gentlemen.

My last night here in Laguna Beach. My last night in California even.

I have so many feelings right now but the two main major feelings that I feel right now are Nervousness and Excitement.

It really is a mixture of the two.

I am excited that I am finally leaving and that I can see my friends and family awaiting me at the airport.

I am not sure why I am nervous. I am little nervous about flying... I haven't flown in a long time so this is kind of big for me. But you know... I am not THAT worried about it. I know that once I get there and get checked in and go through security that it will all be okay.

Aw man! I can't wait.

But I am not really looking forward to getting up at 6am but I want to be sure that I have enough time to go through all the fucking lines and airport crap.

*whew*

1 DAY!!!!!!

Wow.

Thursday is almost gone. and I am still here. But I won't be here for much longer. I am going home the day after tomorrow. *sigh* I fucking made it. I really did. I am coming home in the next few days. Wow.

that is really all I can say.

And I have made it happen for my self. I earned the money to get me here and I am proud that I worked so hard to make it this far.

I have an extremely busy day tomorrow with all the crap that I have to do. So today was my last day to see Laguna Beach. I didn't spend a lot of time there... but I did get to know it some what. And I worked and slaved over getting my self out of this mess I created so... I am glad that everything is going to work out.

2 DAYS!!!!

Well I have successfully not gone to work for the past three days. But I have been sick for almost a week. Actually it has been over a week. And I am still sorta sick. I could be worse. But I have been feeling better. It has been going perfectly. I am going in tomorrow to drop off the flowers for my boss and picking up my check and I am going to pretend that I have no voice from coughing and then I will be free. Oh I forgot it is Thursday... so I will be acting out my plan tomorrow.

There also have been some interesting Internet correspondence between me and the "Guarantor". I think it is safe to say that I will never be doing THAT again. EVER. But she pretty much told me that she was worried about May's rent and utilities and that she wanted a maintenance person to walk through our apartment and see that there have been no damages done to it.

First of all... we have a kitty that we are not supposed to have since the leasing office doesn't know about it. Also I am busy today and Friday. I don't have the fucking time for this. Plus the fact there are no fucking damages! and if there are I paid the 500.00 fucking dollar security deposit so if the damages show up they can take it out of that. Plus the fact my roommate has also paid that security deposit so that is at least 1,000 that they can take it out of that. It made me angry that she insinuated that we (or her daughter) made fucking holes in the ceilings, broke the door hinges and poured wine on the carpet and walls.

Also I want to know where my last month's rent went. Because I paid the bitch first and LAST month's rent. I am pretty sure that when someone says first and last months rent that is what it fucking means. Last I checked anyway.

So I think that my suspicions of her over charging me and spending the extra money on Valium and wine are correct. Because I think that is what she is doing. Since it sounds to me like she is worried that she can't pay the rent because she spent the money on frivolous shit. And I am calling her out on it.

I pretty much told her that.. actually... here is the e-mail. With the name's and other information removed from it.

this is what she sent me.

Hello M,

I have not heard back from you and I understand from (roommate) that you are planning on moving out April 19th. I'm so sorry to hear this. What are you planning to do regarding rent for May, and utilities for March-April (I should have that to you later this month) and April-May?

I'd like to hear from you if possible before you leave. I don't want to see you stuck with any damages to the apartment (if there are any!) that you are not responsible for. It might be prudent to have the maintenaince man come in and have a go round before you depart.

You can call me or email me. Your preference.

(insert roommate's name here) said you've been a nice roommate. I hope your experience in Laguna Beach was a rewarding one. I know it's not my cup of tea.

Sincerely,
(name left out)

Now... I didn't want her to know that I was leaving so soon because of complications such as this and receiving an e-mail such as the one above but... it is done now and they were bound to find out sooner or later that I was leaving the 19th anyway. So below is the response that I sent to her.

Um... it was from my understanding that I paid for May's rent since when I sent you the check that was for the first and last month's rent when we first talked about me becoming (roommate's name here) roommate. I have saved ALL my e-mail's which includes that information as well as my bank statements which has the checks cleared in my bank account as well as your conformations that you have received as cashed those checks. So that really should not be the issue. I was planning on paying you the March- April utilities anyway because I didn't want to leave (roommate's name here) with the short end of the stick. I am more then willing to pay April- May's utilities as well.

You saying that my money for May's rent isn't there worries me and I would like to know where it has gone since I have records of YOU charging me first AND last month's rent as well as my bank statements which has records of my account clearing those checks.

I unfortunately do not have the time to have a maintenance guy go through our apartment before I leave because I do have some last minute business I have to take care of as well as finishing up my packing. There are no damages to speak of (my roommate can also vouch for this) and if there are I am sure the security deposit will cover it. Since that is what the security deposit is for. If there are more charges I am sure the leasing office will let me know and I will send a check to cover those charges. However I would like to have a copy of the statement that has the damages written on it sent TO ME and my mother. The actual copy of the damage report and not a e-mailed break-up of the damage report please. Have the leasing office send it to me. If there is any reimbursement please send it to (address insterted here)

So the way I see it I have no more business to do with you and I will send you a check for seventy five dollars and that should cover my utilities. I have sent a copy of this e-mail to the leasing office.

I caught her with her pants down. She seems to think that she has this power over me. Which she doesn't have. She can't keep me here and I don't know what makes her think that she has the power to do so. I am leaving in two days. I have kicked her in the nuts. I called her out on her bullshit.

like for example. She wouldn't send us copies of the actual bill statements but she would send e-mail break ups of what each cut was going to be.

...

now... doesn't that sound like a load of bullshit. This was not what I thought that she was doing. What I was under the impression that she was doing was that she would send us the e-mails but also scanned copies of the bill statements. Or at least hard evidence that she added it up and divided it correctly or that the numbers were correct. nope. I saw nothing of the sort. My mother also asked for BILL STATEMENTS not the e-mailed break up thing. But guess what she sent. you fucking guessed it.

So I called her out on it: "However I would like to have a copy of the statement that has the damages written on it sent TO ME and my mother. The actual copy of the damage report and not a e-mailed break-up of the damage report please. Have the leasing office send it to me."
I pretty much let her know that I know what she has been doing and that I am not going to give her anymore money except for the money for the utilities. She is not going to intimidate me by being a sugar coated housewife pretending to be a business woman.

She is freaking the fuck out because she now has to figure out where she is going to get the 702.00. Plus the money for the April- May's utilities. Which if she wants me to pay for it then that is fine. But I really don't see any reason to because she is probably going to spend it on more drugs for her bipolar crazy bitch disorder.

I do admit that I was being a bitch but when I don't know where my fucking money was going... I don't like to be fucked around with. I am not going to play her game. She can't keep me here and if she gets a lawyer it is going to cost her SO much more money. Since I have kept all my records (I thank my self and my foresight for that one). Even the conformation e-mails that she sent me saying that she has received my checks. I've got it all. I am more then happy to throw that back in her face.

But... you know... I will be gone from this shit hole in two more days and I won't have to worry about this bullshit. Because this woman is bat shit crazy and hopefully what I've said will make her think and back the FUCK off. Because I covered my bases. Especially with the letter to the leasing office that I sent to them. If I get given shit about me not leaving May 2nd I can point out what I said in the letter.

I said BY May 2nd.

Not ON.

BY.

Which means... anytime from the date of the letter to May the 2nd.

...I think I am safe on this one. My mama didn't raise no idiot as this woman will find out shortly enough.

The hard part is going to be going into work tomorrow and trying to convince them that I can't work but to get my check and drop off my gift. But I think I can manage.

Well... I am tired. I think I am going to get some shut eye. I am tired and I have a busy day ahead.

Good night.

Oh and

TWO DAYS!!!!!!!

If it is not one thing it is another.

I am not sure why chaos likes to create it's self in my life but the mother fucker likes to and it was here a little while ago.

I received a call from work from my leasing office. They want me to sign a paper that releases me from the lease since I am in a "guarantor" situation. I just know that I am never putting my name down on something with someone else who holds the fucking strings. EVER AGAIN.

Well... I've learned my lesson and I know what not to do in the future.

I really need to stop reacting so rashly to sudden changes in my plan. Which gives me more reason to believe that I am a closet megalomaniac... sudden changes in plans usually gets rash reactions.

Wow I feel sick.
My skull feels like a drill or a rusty nail is being pounded into my forehead. and the headache medicine is starting to wear off a little. I am just glad that the nausea is gone.

18 days.

Sometimes I wish I was a better writer. That the juicy words could pour out of my orfaces like jell-o on a summer day. Melting into a pool of intelligent sentences and words that make awesome. Then your eyes would drink the pool from the trough like the little pigs you are. Wouldn't that be something children? That I could make such things? But my medium is visual. and so the wishes of being a better writer won't happen... my eye went all twitchy... fucking weird.

Wow I am feeling a stabbing pain in my brain. I am not sure what it is. It feels like a vaporous gas that was pumped directly into my mind. I wonder if it is because of my lack of sleep. I did get up at five yesterday morning. Five fucking morning. mother fucker.

I really should sleep but then my weekend would be wasted. functioning barely. fuck. I want to enjoy my time in this shit hole but it is getting harder with each day that passes me. My home becons me and I can't leave yet. the check IS in the mail bitch! it's not my fault if it doesn't get there on time. because you fucking started it.

I need to get out of here. I am going insane in this white room... this prison... and the only time I get out of here is to go slave away being a little bitch to everybody and dealing with the fucking bullshit that is bullshit and being told that everything I have been doing has been wrong. At LEAST once a fucking day I don't do something right. YOU COULD HAVE TRAINED ME BETTER YOU FUCKERS! I CAN'T WAIT TO LEAVE YOUR SHITHOLE OF A BUSINESS WITH ROACHES CRAWLING ON THE FLOOR AND MOLDY BREAD! I WILL BE FUCKING LAUGHING WITH FUCKING JOY WHEN I FUCKING LEAVE!!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO NOT SEE YOU FUCKS EVER AGAIN!!!!! YOU CAN KISS MY ASS BITCHES! I AM NEVER COMING BACK!!!! NOT EVEN TO FUCKING VISIT UNLESS THE OWNER HAS CHANGED!!!! I AM SO SERIOUS!! YOU CAN SUCK MY FUCKING BALLS BECAUSE IN THREE FUCKING WEEKS I WON'T BE WORKING FOR YOU ASSHOLES ANYMORE!!!! I AM TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE SHIT AND LIKE I AM SUPPOSED TO KNOW EVERYTHING BECAUSE I FUCKING DON'T BITCH AND IT HELPS IF YOU FUCKING TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT!!!! BECAUSE OTHERWISE I WON'T KNOW!!! I CAN'T READ YOUR MIND YOU FUCKING ROBOT!!! I HATE YOUR BUSINESS AND I HATE YOUR CUSTOMERS AND I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THE FUCK AWAY!!! I WILL BE LAUGHING MANICALLY ON THE PLANE WHEN IT TAKES OFF AND THEY WILL HAVE TO DRUG MY PEANUTS TO SHUT ME THE FUCK UP AND I WILL BE SITTING IN A DRUG EUPHORIA AND SMILING BECAUSE I AM AWAY FROM YOU FUCKS!!! I AM ALMOST TEMPTED TO TELL YOUR CUSTOMERS THAT PISS ME OFF TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES BUT I WON'T BECAUSE I HAVE THIS THING CALLED SELF CONTROL AND I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THE REPERCUSSIONS AND I WANT TO LEAVE WITH YOU ALL CRYING IN THE CORNER AND ME LAUGHING ON MY WAY OUT BECAUSE I WILL BE GONE FOREVER!

fucking period.

Making me all hormonal and pissy.

Going to school in the fall. I am going to my state u. to learn'em me something and to edumacation get and receive. going to draw and learn me some nihongo. because I have been wanting to learn it for like five centuries.

I think I am starting to lose consciousnesses...

I really I need to sleep... but I think that either Futuramas or Venture Brothers needs to be watched....

oh... sister coming for a friend's wedding I am excited to hug and then stay up watching cartoons and drinking juiced rockstars because they are delicious. And then we go to the wedding and then we watch more cartoons. She is sharing my room with me. i don't know where she is collapsing for sleep nighties but I'll figure it out. thursday's a coming. it will be two weeks after the wedding then I get to leave this shithole. yes.

fuck you all...

I think i am hungry.

i want potatoes.

then watch cartoons then sleep...

pppppooooottttaaaatttttoooooeeeeessss....

Happy Fucking Easter.

I have been having weird dreams that I don't remember.
But in the back of my mind they are there.
As I think and try so hard to recall what it was that I dreamt.
I sometimes wonder if it will open the door to what I have been searching for.
The key to the human mind.
The inner psyche.
Open the door.
But what is the key?
what is the key?
the key.

And that was me being poetic this morning.

It's Easter Sunday and I don't care. But if I get free chocolates then it is good enough for me I guess. I don't believe in god. And so I don't believe that his son died for "my sins" because comparatively he would have to do a hell of a lot more then just dying these days because of all the "sin" today. I don't think that just being tortured and dying and getting up three days later is enough. Sorry. I just don't. I guess he was ridiculed too on his way to die but that is only being humiliated. I don't think that would cover for every body's "sins". There is just too much and they must have had some high expectations of Jesus in order to believe that his death could cover all the sins of every human being. I can't believe the stupidity of some people.

People have taken the "bible" WAAAAYYYY too seriously for too long. Really all the book is is stories that people have made up to better themselves as humans. But people have been blindly trying to follow all that the bible says and that is just impossible. If you think about it the bible is divided into books and chapters. So really what people are reading is like a big book of "Grimm's Fairy Tales" But they take it so literally that people refuse to think for them selves. I bet the original writer of the bible wouldn't say that it was a holy book that was bestowed on him from a higher power (well I think that he would say that later... ). I bet it was because he saw all the corruption and hate and lies that he wanted to write something that was meaningful to people. Something that would inspire them to want to go out an be good human beings. To live peacefully. But it also seems to me that the book was not just written by this one person. I think over the years it was added to and made larger by different writers who had their own theories on the world and how it was created. I mean what is better to listen to?
A god who created the earth?
Or the evolution of man?

Creation stories about gods creating the earth have been around since civilizations began. So why not? I mean the evolution theory probably sounded more like fiction then a god creating the earth.
Science has mostly proved otherwise. But that was only because they questioned the theory of creation.

I find it slightly interesting that this book in particular people follow so closely. There ARE other books with morels to them too. But just because there isn't the word "god" in them they are they are just stories. I am glad that people are taking the stories to heart but I think that a lot of people are just too extreme.

No, I don't like you preaching to me about god. I don't like you when you come into my workplace or knocking on my door at home and give me a letter about Jesus Christ writing to me about him dying for my sins when I know damn well that either you or your pastor who wrote this on the computer and xeroxed a bunch of copies to hand out to people.

I don't like it when you push your beliefs on me.

So back the fuck off.

I don't believe in god or his son. I don't believe that he really existed since no one has really proved that anyway. I think that if there was a Jesus... and he did die. I think that before his followers came to check on him someone stole his body and buried him somewhere. Because he didn't appear in front of his followers again when they came for him. They just assumed that he resurrected. That what is called a writer's creative licence. I don't think that Jesus was a real person. I think that this whole thing was just a story. Which brings me back to my previous argument that the bible is nothing more then a bunch of stories written by some clever writers and people have taken it way to literally.

Like the whole Mary getting pregnant with out sex thing... It is impossible to have a baby with out getting inseminated with sperm. Seriously. I mean come on. They just lied about having sex... I mean DID a doctor even CHECK if she was a virgin? no. In the story it pretty much is about when Mary is in her last month and is about to have the baby and they had no place to go. I think that they did fuck. But again... creative license. Who would want to believe that the son of god came out of someone who WASN'T a virgin. That wouldn't sound as good. Also they were looking for a place to stay because they were running away since they had sex when they weren't supposed to. Oops.

I didn't mean to run off on a tangent there but I don't like people pushing they're religion on me. Since I don't believe in such things. I have been through a lot with religion and I don't want to fight with people about it. I just think it's stupid and that people should leave me alone about it. It's fine. Go believe in your stories. If they make you a better person then sure go right ahead but just get away from me. I don't want to hear about how I should go to church because I am sinner. It is truly impossible to live by all those high expectations in the bible. Not all of them were meant to be taken as laws to live by heart. Only some of them. Take what you want to live by as you, a person not as the whole goddamn book. And that is what a lot people never seemed to understand.

Also the bible is not a law book. It is not the law. We don't uphold it and we don't use it as judgment guide in our courts. So if two gay people want to get married that is their choice. It was bullshit that the bible was brought into it. And marriage has never been "sacred". A lot of things happen behind closed doors that I wouldn't call "scared" in fact I would call it hell or murder or abused or angry. Really it is just a legal way to become a apart of someone else's life for as long as they live... or when they get sick of each other. Not all people are unhappily married so I am glad for them. I think that people got so hyped up this gay marriage thing that their bibles had to be waved into the air and said that was a volition of the good book. When really that shouldn't have had any effect on what the pollations verdict was. But... as any god fearing citizen would have done they let the bible into the argument. Which it shouldn't have been there in the first place. There is a line... and that is called church and state and the motherfuckers keep wanting to cross back and forth over that line.

Geez. I was ranting again.

I don't like the thought of some Omnipotent being watching me and what ever I do. but you know what I say to that *gives the bird to the sky*. Well then god getting quite a show. Although I think it is also impossible that he is watching all the billions of people in the world. Since that doesn't make sense but if he wants to watch me then go right a fucking head mother fucker. I don't care.
Yes I have "sinned" and I will continue to "sin" until the day I die. Where is the fun in being good all the time anyway?

So all you fuckers who want to preach to me can back the fuck off because I don't want to hear it. If this crazy fucked up religion works for you then great. But I am happier just knowing that I am different and that I am not like you blindly following the Shepard like the sheep you are. I have strayed from the path long ago and I have discovered great things about my self and I believe that I am starting to become who I want to be without god. And it will be without god until the day I die.

Happy Fucking Easter.

Oh and 27 days.

Okay... so everything is all good now...

I decided to let my roommate know what the fuck was going on. And it was fine. She was totally understanding and wishes that she could leave too actually. Which is ironic since it seems like everyone wants to get out of Laguna Beach... I guess it's not just me... Well anyway I am glad that is fucking over with. All that is left is to make sure the bills are paid and I am good to go.

I even gave my boss my mailing address for my W-2 forms so that when she is done with that she will mail them to my dad's house. Yay! everything is going good. I actually had an awesome day today. I think it's good that I got all the "telling people who I am afraid to tell that I am leaving thing" off my chest and now there really isn't anything for me to worry about. I am feeling so awesome and tired right now... I am so sleepy. Jesus.

I am going home! :P!

33 days!

I have almost a month until I get to leave this hellhole.

The days are going by quickly. Which is actually good because I don't want to stay here much longer.

My plans have been slightly foiled in regards to telling my boss about me leaving... My co-workers spilled the beans and now she knows. I was going to give her two weeks notice before I was going to leave like I was supposed to. But actually as it turns out she wanted to go to Korea before I leave. If she did that before I gave my notice that wouldn't have turned out good... for everybody... But at this point I am leaving because I bought my ticket. It doesn't sound like she is going to fire me since she seems to be trying to figure out when she can leave. I can't stay because I bought my ticket and I am not trading it in and I am not staying any longer. But I am glad that I am not going to be fired.

I am not going to be guilt tripped into staying because I am going home. I am still going to give her my notice. I do kind of hope that she does get to go for two weeks. If she leaves like in a few weeks or so she will be able to go. We were even discussing that it would just be my other two co-workers and I. We work well together and we are able to get things done. We might even get rid of the part-timers. I don't know about that though.

All who is left to tell now is my roommate. I think after I get my first April paycheck I'll write a check for the aprox. Utilities amount and I will tell her and her mother that I am going home and that the leasing office will know what is going on and I just want to cooperate so that I can just go home without any problems. I mean really there shouldn't be any problems. If I let the leasing office know that I am leaving... first and last month is paid and I am paying for the utilities then there really shouldn't be any problems.

I just want to come home and I am excited that I am coming home. I really don't have much longer. Since this check I am paying for March's Utilities and Aprils rent. So I am almost set to go. Maybe if I make enough tip money I'll just send a check earlier or something. Then tell my roommate then.

I am almost there... I just need to focus...

oh yeah and...

34 DAYS!!!!

It seems like the days are going by faster now that I've bought my ticket out of this hell hole. Which is good actually because the sooner I get out of here the better.

I have been trying to take my aunt's advice and to try and enjoy my time here... It's kind of hard when there is nothing to do.

Although right now I am sitting outside enjoying the sun and the nice spring wind on the only chair that my roommate owns... Not including the two stools , a futon (which is my bed) a mattress and the couch. If she walks in now I wonder if she would be pissed off that I am out here with the chair... I actually want to go swimming but it's not quite warm enough and the pool isn't heated. Which is lame. I am paying 800.00 (including utilities) for an apartment that doesn't have two fucking bedrooms and the pool isn't heated.

WOAH!!!! I JUST FOUND OUT HOW TO DO SYMBOLS ON THIS COMPUTER!!!! That is SO cool! who knew that the alt button plus whatever letter equaled whatever symbol. (I am not a mac user normally so this a foreign operating system to me.)

And Rammstein is awesome. Seriously rockin'

It's kind of nice that I have some more music on my computer so that my iTunes doesn't keep playing the same band that I have the discography for like three hours. So it is nice and random... most of the time... I would still like to put more on here so that I have a variety of music.

I really miss my scanner...

I can't wait to use it again. I have so much artwork that I have done that I want to play with on photoshop :P.

Oh!

45 days!

Okay it is fucking official!

I bought my plane ticket yesterday!!!!

I am confirmed for flying home on the 19th of April!!!!

OH! I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!

47 days from now I will be outta here and I will be safe and sound at home.

I can't wait!!!!

more zombie like dreams infecting my mind... geez...

I had a really weird dream...

I was in this house that reminded me of my dad's but the house itself was built ON a hill... like they didn't level the land or anything for the house to sit on... they just built the house on the hill... and the door to the sidewalk (yes this was in the city) was kind of like a back door almost... it was an open space like where you would put dirty shoes and gardening equipment if you were so inclined. The door itself had a window in it as well as two large windows on either side. Everybody in the house knew that something was going down. Especially me. I was trying to get all the doors locked and secure. We figured that if the doors were at least locked we would be safe. I watched all these people pass by like a mob. Moving fast. I knew that the infection would soon activate their mass aggression. So that is why we were all preparing ourselves.
I was calling my family and telling them to lock their doors and to make sure that any other entrances were locked. and to beware of those that might be susceptible to the infection...

This infection was kind of like in 28 days later where people would become extremely aggressive. But actually... it was different because instead of being mindless... they would talk and speak to you. Which was slightly more frightening. I watched as the infection struck them all at the same time and then the mob was running down the street. Some of them noticed me by the window and ran at the door. I realized then that I didn't lock that door that I was standing next to... I hurriedly pushed on the door to lock it but it didn't work... the two infected people burst through and I called to the people behind me to help me. I kept saying HELP ME!!! HELP ME!!!! and they all just stood there staring at me... no one helped me. then someone was shaving William Shatner's head and talking about... something... I don't recall what it was... but his head was huge!

I actually woke up at some point and I consciously didn't want to go back to sleep because of this dream. I haven't done that in years... But I realized that it was 6:30 in the morning and I reluctantly went back to sleep.

There was another part of the dream... where I had my kitty and was taking him from the Mitchell Court house (which is where I lived for a short time) and my best friend (whom I haven't seen or spoken too in a long time...) showed up in a huge ass SUV style car that was either bright orange or pink (I don't remember which) and asked me if I needed a ride and I said "yeah" so I put my cat in the back of the car and he immediately pissed on something. So we put blankets all around the car so that it wouldn't soak through... if he happened to pee elsewhere. She took me to my mom's apartment and dropped me off and me and my kitty were in my mom's apartment and then I remembered that I would be in huge trouble because my stepdad was allergic to cats! (which isn't true...) I don't remember what happened after that...

I looked up the part where I was helpless. It says that I am feeling like that in real life. Part of that I believe is true. I would say that I have felt helpless a few times and frusterated that I am not home right now. But I don't think that I am helpless about not doing anything about it because I am... I am trying to go home and after tomorrow everything will be official. Since I will have my ticket bought and paid for.

The fact that I had ANOTHER zombie like dream is kind of discerning... But these "zombies" were different than they were in the other dream... I think that they represented the customers that I have to deal with everyday... The angry violent people that I have to deal with... and I was helpless after they broke through my defense... the door... I think there is something that I haven't dealt with... but what that is... I have no idea. I just want to go home! And that is all I want to do at this point. I don't want to see anybody. I don't want to hang out with people I just want to go home and see and hang out with my friends.

Oh by the way...

48 days!

49 days!!!!

That sounds so much better then fifty or so days....

I have been thinking about how I would be making this work and I think I came up with a good solution...

After I buy my plane ticket and when the time gets closer to when I have to leave I will send my roommate's mom the check for the utilities and just say if there is any outstanding balance to send me the bill and I'll send the rest of the money. Then to tell my roommate when I am going home and to tell her that I sent her mother a check for the utilities and she should be getting it in a couple of days and if she still wants me to pay for May's utilities that is fine... but I really need to go home. I would then tell her that I let the leasing office know and that it should be okay. May's rent is already paid for and I should be able to do this... That way her mom will get the check and it will be good and then I will go home! I can't fucking wait!

Plus if I leave on the 19th everything will just be better... I think. If the price of the ticket does go up I will still pay for it... I am fucking leaving on the fucking 19th of April. I would prefer if the price didn't change too much... I mean really I can't see it going up in the next couple of days... it just doesn't seem likely to me... but you never know I guess...

So here is the plan:

I quit my shitty job on the 16th of April
I pack all my shit the 17th-18th
and I get up early and I call for the taxi to come and pick my ass up at 7am and I get to the airport and hop on the plane home on the 19th!

That way I won't have to worry about money and food for ten days. Also since there is nothing to do here then I would just stay in the apartment not doing ANYTHING!

I know I keep repeating my self in these entries but seriously I just want to emphasize that I want to get out of here. And when there would be nothing to do then... what would be the point?

So on day 47 I am going to buy my plane ticket! Also I am going to submit my PSU application... since I have no fucking money in my bank account then I can't fucking buy anything... Which is weird because I thought that credit takes a few days to process so that I would be in the clear... But whatever... I guess this is just my patience lesson. So I am going to be patient... Which is kind of hard when I have a such a strong desire to leave.

I can't buy my ticket since I have no money in my bank account. Which is weird because I used to be able to do that where I could buy something on credit and it would take a few days to process... I figured if it let me buy it now I would have enough time to put the money in my bank account on Tuesday when I got paid. But apparently not... I guess... Has technology advanced that far so that I can't do something like that anymore... I wonder...

Do I have to have a credit card??? Because I canceled mine... fuck... If I do have to have a credit card I am so boned...

IT'S MARCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not much longer now.

YAY!

I am so excited. I am going home soon.
I can't wait to take that plane out of here!

Although I still haven't told my roommate about all this... and I am trying to think of what to say... I mean I don't want her to think that I am running out on her since I'm not really. The rent is paid for for May... and I am letting the leasing office know that I am leaving. And I will be paying for April's utilities so really it is not like I am leaving with out paying anything. I get the feeling that the best way to do this is just to tell her the truth. For me to tell her that I am leaving in late April because I really need to come home since that is where I want to be right now. I want to see my friends, family and kitty again... I am not doing what I want to do right now and it is WAAAAYYY to expensive to live here. I won't leave her with out paying the utilities. If she wants me to help pay for May's utilities that's fine but really I need to go home.

I think she knows some of what is going on since I have talked about it over the phone with my family while she was in the next room several times...

I just don't think I am going to tell her right away. I'll let her know towards the end of March. I am pretty sure that my plans are going to be pretty solid by then. Since I will have my plane ticket and everything mostly set in place.

I think I will also feel more solid about my plans as soon as I buy my plane ticket. I really want to buy it today but I just don't have the cash for it right now. I could buy it like tomorrow or monday since I get paid on tuesday.... I guess...

ARGH!!!

I am really bored!

there is nothing to do in this shity town and I don't want to leave the apartment because there is nothing to do... I don't want to go to the gym and it is too cold to swim right now. I want to do like fifty things at once but I can't because either I don't have what I want to do or what I want to watch... or I've done everything like a billion times! I am going insane in this tiny white room and I don't know what to do about it. It really should have pads on the walls or something.

Also I am frustrated with not being where I want to be right now... I am feeling like I did in Portland... except that I can't leave whenever I want...

WOW!

Just now I found an even EARLIER flight for the same price.... and I still won't have to transfer planes! I have to figure out if I will be able to do it or not.

I might be able to... I would just have to let my roommate when I am leaving and tell her that I am still going to pay for April's Utilities... If I could leave earlier that would be so awesome! It would be three days after I quit the Coffee Pub... that way I won't have to spend ten days figuring out how I am going to feed my self and trying to find things to do... because if I am bored now I will be TEN TIMES more bored by that time! I am just going to have to convince my roommate somehow that this is going to work out...

I sware to the gods above I would give... anything... to be able to go home.

I think the 19th is a good date. It would be a little bit before I have to pay the utilities... I just have to figure out how it will sound since I want to make sure that I pay for what I need to pay for and make it seem like I am not trying to run away from my responsibility.

ARRGHHHH!!!! I just want to come home... fucking responsibility and being an adult. god damn it.

I am going to talk to my mom first before I buy the ticket however... She may have some good advice for what to do.

59 days!

heh...

I think a lot of the posts are going to start like that from now on.

But yeah...

59 days until I get to leave.

I finally went swimming last night except I couldn't force myself to get much farther in the water besides my waist since it was freezing cold... so I played in the hot tub for a while. Which was really nice actually. I got to look at the stars and be warm at the same time. Plus my muscles really needed that since they have been getting so sore from my job. Repetitive motions will do that to you... plus lifting things and trying to prove that I am as much as a man as the rest of them. But STILL not treated like an equal. It sucks. I don't like having tasks that are segregated because of my sex. I just don't. I like being treated as an equal human being. that is why I can't wait to come home and to maybe work for my old boss again. That would be so awesome. I really liked my job and the people I worked with. and I am sure that they will be glad to see me. As well as all the customers that I've left behind since I have made such an impact upon them. I am sure that I will be warmly welcomed back.

Changing plans again...

Plans have actually changed!

...again...

I will be coming home earlier.

Like 8 days earlier.

I will be coming back April 26th! YAY!

I decided not to work any longer than April 16th. Which works out since I will be able to make my financial goal before I leave.

So that means I will have 10 days to dick around until I take my taxi to the Airport. And the less I have to work at that shitty job would be better. Only 58 more fucking days at that hellhole. I mean I would love to have that third paycheck but I really want to go home.

I even found a cheaper flight! Like by 7 dollars but it is still a better deal and I won't have to change flights! Which would actually be better. I need to just buy my ticket now so that it is all official but I can't really do that until I get paid. So that will be happening soon... like next Tuesday.

I can't wait to GTFO of here. Seriously.

68 days and counting!

Well my uncle finally called me and we talked and he backed off A LOT!!!! We talked about the car and talked about what I was going to do and he was cool with it. He seems to finally understand that backing off was a good thing. Which was a smart thing because I didn't want to have to get all lioness on my territory. We might get together this weekend and watch Samurai Jack. Which would be awesome.

It's so nice to have people who are supporting what I want to do for once and backing me up on my decisions.

*sigh*

I have 68 days until I leave here.

I have marked on each day of my computer calender from the yesterday counting down to May 3rd. I haven't bought the plane ticket yet but I will be buying it next week when I get paid. But I know that I am going to be leaving May 3rd. I can't stay here much longer than that. I will go insane if I do. I am already pushing it as it is.

It is getting harder. I hate my job. And it is hard to keep my sanity since my job annoys me so much. But I have to suffer through it so that I can pay the rent which is the main thing right now. I am actually going to be paid 9.00 an hour starting March. But I think that the reason for that is because one of my co-workers is coming back from over seas and he will be needing hours soon. So I am thinking that she is going to be paying me more to work less hours. I do need to work at least 35 hours a week to be able to make the rent. If I work any less then that will screw with all my plans. And I'll have to tell my boss that I CANNOT work ANY LESS then 35 hours a week. I did try to make that clear when I was hired. If I have to write it down for her I will. I shouldn't worry too much. I just have to grin and bare it man. I hate this place. Everyone is extremely superficial and fake and really stupid. I mean they are ALL over down here. I thought that the people in Portland were dumb... oh no... they are freaking geniuses compared to the blond bimbos down here.

Honestly... I do not know what possessed me to come here... to a place where it is all about how many cars and how pretty your manicure is here.

I guess all I can say is that I will be glad when I hop on that plane to come back home. I would have to say that I have earned it when I get to the airport. Like I have earned my right to come home. And that will be the biggest sense of accomplishment that I have had since I graduated high school. I know I will feel relived to be on that plane.

and I just got to keep focusing on it. That is what needs to keep me going.

There's no place like home... there's no place like home... there's no place like home...

Introducing someone speical!!!!

Much has been realized and new discovery's have been made.

I discovered that I was being controlled by being vicariously parented by my relatives that aren't my parents. (Mainly my uncle). I got really mad when I made the discovery. Because I felt like I wasn't living my own life and I was letting other people's "advice" decide for me. Soon I was listening to so many people that I got lost in their advice and I didn't know what I wanted. I AM SICK OF IT! So instead of letting my future be decided for me I am going to do WHAT I FUCKING WANT FROM NOW ON!!!

My parents were really supportive and realized that I am an adult and though they might not agree with my choices all the time they respect that is what I want. So they have realized that I am an adult now and they will respect my decisions. And if I come to them for advice then they will give it. It doesn't mean that I HAVE to follow it.

I was pretty pissed off when I found out what was going on. So I wrote an e-mail that I was going to send to my uncle. I wrote that I (in a nice way) that I was doing what I wanted and he needed to back off and respect my decisions. He pulled the overhanging card of "being in the business for many years so I obviously know what I am talking about" and that really bothered me. Unfortunately that was one of the things that he pulled on me to convince me that I needed to stay or at least come back for Fall term. Not going to happen. I ended up not sending it because I realized that burning that bridge would be a horrible idea at this point.

{Oh... I should mention that this whole thing started when I wasn't sure when I was getting his car...

I was on the phone with my sister who is my informant with what the family says about me. She told me that my uncle said I was "upset about the car" (I mentioned earlier that I was getting his car). and I got mad and I said "okay that's it. I am done. I am fucking done" I told her that I was sick of the behind the back bullshit. I decided not to take the car. I actually don't feel comfortable about taking that car because of how shaky it gets when it stops and... taking it across country... seems like a bad idea. Anyway I realized a lot during that conversation.

So I decided that I was coming home and I wasn't going to be going back to California for a little while. Plus I discovered that Fullerton was full for new students. I looked around for hours for other schools in California and I couldn't find anything that had my medium or they were freakishly expensive. So that is when I decided to come back home for school. Because I would pretty much have school paid for. I am an Oregon resident and I'll be able to apply for grants and scholarships that are superficially for Oregon resident students.}

So instead I sent him a condensed version saying that I didn't want the car and that I was flying home in May and I've applied to Fullerton (which is a lie... About Fullerton I mean). I don't like lying to him about how I am feeling... but I think for the moment it will be better if I play the Anderson Family game by Lying. Since that is what they are good at. And he e-mailed me back saying that he was going to give me a call to find out what was going on.

I am still waiting for that phone call. He did e-mail me saying that I should call him… But I think I am going to claim ignorance and not do it. If he wants to talk to me he can call me back; I’ll just say that I got really busy with working and stuff to get back to him.

He did talk to my mother last night however and told her that he was going to sit down with me and talk about “What classes I am taking” and map that all out. I don’t think that is a bad idea necessarily but… that is something that I could see my PARENTS doing with me. Not my UNCLE. I realize that he has been in “the biz” for long enough that he would know what classes would be good. But at the same time… I think that is border line parenting. And this is coming from a man who wanted me out of his bachelor pad ASAP. Dick move there.

My mom told me that I DON’T have to meet with him. And I think I am not going to. This is my education and for once in my life I want to control what I want to learn and not have someone telling me what to do. I don’t mind if an academic advisor tells me what classes they think I should take. Because they won’t push me around too much.

I am glad to finally take charge of my life. I am going to be flying home May 3rd. I still have to buy my plane ticket. Which will have to be next paycheck… but at least things are happening.

I know what I am doing now.

BEHOLD PLAN B V.2!!!!!!

It is ingenious really...

So the plan is:

* I will be shipping most of my shit home.
* I am going to be finishing the FAFSA form (and NOT fucking it up this time)
* I am applying to Portland State U.
* I will be also applying for scholarships and grants to help pay for school.
* I am working until the end of April and saving my money.
* I will be hopping on a plane May 3rd to come home.
* I will be getting my driver's license when I get home
* I might get a car from my dad's mechanic...
* My boss from City Coffee might give me my old job back.
* I will be going to PAX with a few friends and my sister
* And I will go to PSU in the fall and I will take art and Japanese.


That is the plan in basic format. I decided not to embellish it too much.

I have learned so much in such a few short months... My parents laugh and say that I have gotten all my major life lessons out of the way. I have learned much about managing money so that I can have a place to live and food to eat. I think I have become WAY better at saving money then when I was at home. I am kind of glad that I can culture shock myself so quickly that I have to learn how to adapt in a short period of time. It makes things hard as hell at first but it gets easier after I've run into all the brick walls... At least I will be coming home with an associates degree on life.

I can't wait until February is over.

I love this song.

Mary
By Oingo Boingo

Oh mary wasn't happy with the life that she led
She was a simple girl without much to say
So one day she just upped and left her dreary home
And she left all her friends behind to wander all alone
And at first she was afraid, she was so far away
From her home but slowly she got to like it anyway
Oh mary won't you please come...

Well in time she found that
The mountain that she had been taught
Her whole life, that she must avoid
And though at first it hurt, and no one could comfort her
She finally came to appreciate it
And she liked it, she liked it - oh wasn't she surprised
And though still alone, she grew so much inside
Oh mary won't you please come...

And after a time, she became so sublime
She could look in peoples eyes and read their minds
Though her hands would sometimes bleed and occasionally
She would long for her past and the memories they bring
She decided to return to her old home town
And her heart was burning with all the things she found
Oh mary won't you please come...

So, mary came back and at first no one recognized her face
And her friends were all a little bit afraid
When they heard what she had to say
They all slowly backed away
And her family took her aside and put their arms around her
They said mary won't you please come back to us now
There is still time to repent for all your sins
And mary started to cry when she realized
That she'd never come home again in her life

Oh mary won't you please come
Mary won't you please come home...

Oh great... depression is kicking in...

So I realized today that I am wasting my time staying here for five months... I want to come home and prepare my self to go to college in the fall. This time I know how much it is going to cost me ^_- and I know what is in store for me this time round.

Right now I feel like I am just putting off my dream for another FIVE MONTHS and I am tired of it. I want to do what I want to do and I am sick of dicking around trying to see if it will magically happen. It won't ever do that, ever. I have to make this happen for myself. So that is exactly what I am going to do. I want to try and come home next month. In order to do that however I have to talk to my roommate about finding someone to take over the lease. I haven't done that yet because... well... she's not home and I am also worried what she might say. I know that she has had some extreme bad luck with roommates in the past and I don't want to be classified as one of them. Then again... that would be her problem then wouldn't it?

I REALLY DON'T want to screw her out of the rent and I don't want to be evicted. But I want to try to leave as soon as I can. That is why I am thinking about what to do next...

I am getting depressed by staying here. I know it seems like I've done a complete emotional 360 since I was feeling depressed and boxed in back home but I realize now that what I've wanted was right there the whole time.

I wish with all my heart to go home.

I can get my license there and live in a place of my own and save money for a car. I can work off my student loans (which will be mostly covered by the financial aid I will be getting) I don't care if PSU's art department sucks (I do hope the animation department is good though) But if I come home I can take the SAT with out worrying whether or not I would be able arrange to come home to take it and be able to submit the test scores in time for the fall term. Plus I know the area. I can take the bus ANYWHERE! unlike here... but I've been over that already.

I also miss my family, my friends. I hate being far away and NOT living my dreams. It just sucks. And plus this whole thing has been a mess since the very beginning.

Surprisingly though my dad is helping me fix the issue. He has talked me back to down earth and we worked out a plan of action. I just need to act on it.

I have accepted that I have fucked up. I made a huge mistake coming down here. But at the same time... I don't think I would have discovered what I wanted and plus I learned that the school of my dreams wasn't all the it was cracked up to be and I guess that was the important lesson. I guess I like to learn the hard way by experiencing first hand and making my mistakes and learning how to fix them. That is what makes us who we are. By fucking up a lot and learning from what we've done and moving on. Now I just need to do the moving on part...

I am going to talk to her tomorrow. I have to do this... because the sooner this happens the better. I don't really care how it sounds I just want her to know that I am not trying to escape from the lease and I want to find someone else to take my place. It's the only shot I've got to coming home.

I do feel a little bad for my new employers though... I am leaving like not even a month after I get hired... Oh well... that is one less reference that I won't have to put down on my resume. But first I need to find another roommate.

I do know that for me the sooner I leave Laguna Beach the better. This was a nice adventure/ vacation but I think now it is time to return home.

Local News in Laguna Beach.

This has been my adventure for the day. I can't wait to start working because I am so bored just staying at home brooding how I am going to pay the rent. Which half of it will be late... It's the best I could do really.

I got that job at the coffee shop. I pretty much had it in my hand the whole time. I mean that whole thing was like magic. Here's the story:

I was standing sort of near the coffee shop talking to my step dad about putting him as a reference on my Taco Bell application and I wanted to warn him before they called him so that he wouldn't be caught off guard. I didn't think they WERE going to call him but I just wanted to play it safe.

Then I saw a woman in the window of the coffee house trying to find a place for the "Help Wanted" sign. I told my step dad that I had to go and I hung up the phone. I walked in and asked if they were hiring. They lady who was still trying to find a place for the sign said "Yes!" and was impressed that I had a resume and was even MORE impressed of all the underpaid experience that I had (thank you Mike). She told me that she was going to give me a call the next day when she talked to the owner about me. But she sounded intent on hiring me. Which was reassuring and so I left with hope in my heart. (When I left I don't think that she put that help wanted sign up after all ^__^).

The next day... I was waiting around for a phone call when my mother called me instead and told me to call them to see what my status was and to see if they talked to the owner yet. So around noon-thirty I actually did what my mother told me. I gave them a ring and told them who I was and said I was following up on yesterday. I ended up talking to the lady I handed my resume to and she told me that she would call me back in about 20-30 minutes. She sounded like this was a definite thing and she was going to make sure that I was hired.

I waited for about fifteen minutes and my phone rang. I was hired and I am to start Tuesday and she told me to be somewhat casual with my appearance. I was so happy. I almost jumped for joy but I remembered the neighbors down below.

I called almost everybody and told them the good news.

I hope I am full time. I really do. I don't know what they want to work me at... I mean I should have asked but I thought I made it clear that I was available all week so that I could get some major hours going.

Now all that is left to do is let my roommate's mom know that I am going to be slightly late on the rent this month because I just got a job. I am pretty sure that I can pay at LEAST half of the rent and the rest will have to come when I get my first pay check. My mom is going to try and help me a little bit. Which is really nice of her to do. I didn't ask for her help but she feels bad that I just got work and she wants to try and help me out. She's sorry that it couldn't be more. I am just glad that she is able to help me out. I just hope that my roommate's mom understands and won't be pissed. At least I am paying HALF of it. So it's not like I am going to owe her two months of rent in February. It will be like one and a half by the time the month is over... But I am working now so it should be okay. I knew that this coming month was going to be tight... I am probably going to be sending her a little money until I get my paycheck just as a reassurance that I am paying it off.

But besides all those money issues that I have been having. I have posted something that I wrote earlier today on my other journal.

I love my MacBook Pro except for the little problem of it restarting it's self...

I went online to find other people who have the same problem since online forms have really been a great resource to find out how people have fixed the same problems that I have. It's kind of comforting to not be the ONLY one with the same issues... But when I went on my search I saw that NO ONE had their computers fixed. And it is mostly the MacBooks that have the problem.

I don't think Apple knows how to fix the problem. They have been telling people that they need the Apple Protection Plan or to hold down various keys when it reboots or telling them all sorts of shit that doesn't seem to be helping. I don't think apple knows what is causing the restart problem. I even went on the Apple FORMS and saw that TONS of people had the restart trouble. There isn't a technician responding to the posts telling them how to fix it either.

I think this is a bug that Apple can't figure out how to fix. Which sucks for the people who spent the thousands of dollars to buy one. This is one of those underground problems that they defiantly DON'T advertise. Not all of the computers have the problem. So it is like one in a freak chance that you don’t get the one that doesn’t restart by it’s self.

For me it doesn’t actually bother me that much. It is kind of annoying. I just feel bad for the people that have saved up the money to buy what they believe to be a good product since that is how it is advertised only to spend MORE money on a “Protection Plan” or much needed software updates that are allegedly causing the restarts.

So I guess I just wanted to warn you all who are thinking about a MacBook. Essentially it is a good product. But personally I would look at getting a Mac desktop rather than the MacBook. Since there seem to be less issues. Although I can’t say for sure. What I would do (which is what I am going to do from now on) is I am going to research on the internet the products I am going to buy BEFORE I buy them…

Luckily for me I didn’t buy this computer. :P

All of this is just the first couple steps to getting to where I want to be in my life. As it turns out I really want to come home. The saying "Sometimes one must travel far to discover what is near" came to my mind when I found out that everything that I wanted to learn (college wise) was at home the whole time. So these coming five months are going to be just earning my living and saving some money for school. Which I know won't be much but when I come back I have a better idea of where I am going to look for work.

Also... I am going to get my license when I am down here. My uncle is going to take me parallel parking either next weekend or the weekend after and since I arranged to have weekends off I will be sure to take him up on that chance. Then I can take my test and have my licence. Then when I come back to Portland I will have it and then I will buy a car!

I think that this is just a rough patch in the road. I get the feeling that it will all turn out alright in the end. I just need to get through this month and then after that I know that everything will be alright. I just know it.

Okay

I finally know what I am doing. Which is good because as you all well know I wasn't sure there for a while.

I have decided to go to PSU! They actually have animation there! Which is awesome! and that means I don't have to leave my hometown for school! and also it is going to be WAAAAYYY cheap because financial aid is going to be mostly covered and since I am an Oregon resident it won't cost so much to go to school! I am going to be applying for the fall term. YAY!

But in other news... I MIGHT have a job at a coffee shop here in Laguna Beach. I am just waiting for a phone call tomorrow... I have been talking about it all day.. I think I will tell that story another time. but cross your fingers and prey to whomever so that I get the job! Because it is perfect! and I am qualified!

Aquagen feat. Rozalla - Everybody's free (original video)

Okay this is so awesome. I had to post it.

I heard this song on the Venture Brothers and I was wondering who done it so I went on a search and I stumbled upon this music video. I found one with better quality but it wouldn't let me post it. I think it is awesome!

So after MORE thinking since that is what I do... I mull over my thoughts like...

heh...

I'm not sure.

But I give them much thought. In my mulling.

Anyway.

I know what I am doing... finally.

I am coming back home to Portland.

In either a month or five months from now. It all depends on if I find a job within the next two weeks or not.

Yes.

I am actually getting excited about going back home. I feel like I needed to sort of get away for a while. and I did just that... I went away and now I want to come back. The best part about all this is that when I come back I can stay at my mom's house until I get back on my feet. Which means that I am not going to have to share a room with my sister again. That was okay except for the fact that it was really cramped. And siblings sharing a space and being civil with each other can't last long.

I am really happy about this. I am coming home and I am going to be either going back to school at PCC or PSU or saving up for the study abroad program. I am also going to be working on getting a car. Because I am so sick of this public transportation thing. I want to go where I want when I want and not have to rely on others.

I might also be able to get my old job back. I will have to see though. The minimum wage down here is more than it is in Oregon. Which kind of sucks. But at least it is moving up... I guess.

My thoughts are all jumbled since I am so excited. I don't know how to be unexcited.

Also... I really want to go to PAX this year again! and maybe I'll bring my sister. But this time I will be 21 which means I can go to hotel room parties.

If I stay down here for the five months I am going to try and get my license here (because I know where it is super easy to take the test) that way I can just get my license updated to an Oregon one and then I can get a car. It is genius! Because then I would beat the system!

That is IF I stay here. I kind of don't want to. I do want to come home. But I can't really do that right now. So I guess I am stuck here. I haven't talked to my parents about this. But I am supposed to be job hunting right now. I really should go and do that. I guess I am going to be stuck here for a while. Oh well.

After much thinking... I've realized how stupid this whole thing is.

With no planning involved I forced my self to leave the safety and comfort of my own home. I wanted to get away. Being stuck in one place not going to school as a 20 year old who thinks that her life is going no where would make anyone want to leave the Po-dunk town of Portland. It was too small for me. I almost knew everyone that walked down the street. Just once I would like to be around complete strangers for a while. So I made that vision a reality. I applied to the most expensive art school in the state of California. Of course I didn't realize that it was the most expensive I was just looking at their glorified curriculum and the small class sizes with one on one assistance.

So I was ready to leave and attend this school of awesome learning stuff. What I should have done was demand to see a cost of attendance price list. Because there wasn't one on the website. But no... instead I wanted to leave this piss filled house and the trashy room that I was sharing with my sister. That is what I did.

I left.

And I came to California with very little money and my heart full of hope. I was accepted into one of the best schools for their animation program and that is what I wanted to do. I wanted to endure and become an awesome 3D character animator. I was so set on this dream of mine. Little did I know that my financial aid and my housing situation which I THOUGHT I had under control but they both had their problems... I almost didn't have a place to live for a while. And I ended up dropping out of LCAD anyway because my mother couldn't take out the loan. (My financial adviser at the school couldn't get that through to his head... which was really annoying).

So during these mishaps I began to come to the realization that this whole thing was a dump truck of bad planning all landing on me at once.

Now I am unemployed, I dropped out of school and I signed a five month lease. I need to find work so that I can make rent. Which has been annoyingly difficult. Not many places are hiring in this small town. I am seriously wondering why I wanted to come here so bad... I mean it is smaller than Portland by... well... A LOT! So I am stuck here in this horrible place trying to figure out how to make ends meat. I wish I could break the lease... but I don't want to do that to my roommate and that would screw me over.

Times are hard. I may have to commute to get to work which I kind of have to do anyway. But this is a HUGE commute. In Portland taking the bus was a slight inconvenience but it was doable You could get from point A to point B with no trouble at all. In California however.... they make it nearly IMPOSSIBLE to get from point A to point C. They really push the driving thing. So I couldn't really walk down the street to go to school or whatever... I mean I could... but that is super dangerous in this area. I need a car.

What also sucks is that I don't have a license to drive on yet god dammit.

Luckily I have people how love me and want to help me out as much as they can while I am out on my own. But I feel retarded because of this whole thing. I am nearly out of money, I have no steady work, and I don't have anything to focus my free time.

So after all this I realize that I didn't think this through. My parents aren't going to help me much longer but they have informed me many times that this whole thing could have been avoided if I just planned better.

They were right. I was being stupid and desperate. So now... I am stuck here for five months and it sucks. So mom, dad? you were right. and I am going to call and tell you so. As soon as I get money on my phone. I am going to go cash those checks and do some shopping maybe. I do have that crappy dish washing job today. That will give me a little more cash.

After this whole thing I kind of want to go home to give up on this whole thing and be somewhere where I feel comfortable and safe. But I know that would just make things worse but... I would feel better.

That won't happen though. I am going to make sure of that.